Monday, September 22, 2014

Thank You, And Then A Bow

To start the story, I was rather stubborn, and I still am. Especially when it comes to feelings and thoughts. I am the kind of guy, you can say, a very reserved person. I open up to people, but in most cases, I usually keep emotional things to myself.

I don't really share about my problems to people, not even to my best friends, let alone my parent. I'd rather keep all my frustration, anger, and sadness deep inside my heart till all these unease feelings were no longer there, till they completely vanished and gone. Not even a word to the people around me. I couldn't bother them with my trouble at all, though I knew, deeply, that they were somehow worried, especially my parent.

After much incidents, my parent don't really ask me about how am I feeling any more. Of which, this is not normal at all. How can a relationship between a child and his parent resorts to this situation? I admit it, I seemed like a spoiled brat who doesn't respect my parent at all.

But somehow, they know that I'm going to be okay and they respect all my decisions in life. My father never say a word, just asking how my life is going now and then, and whether I need some money or not. My mum, like usual, occasionally asking me what am I doing through phone call. Yeah, I did share some of things with them, sometimes, or whenever I go somewhere, I'll inform them first.

It seemed that they trust me a lot, that I keep thinking, I can't disappoint them any further. I always keep things to myself, and because of the trust they have given me, I shall repay them with how well am I doing with my study, career, life and so forth. They know I don't like being bothered with questions, so at times, when we have a talk, even a small one, it will always be me who started it. Yeah, I have that kind of relationship with my parent, don't be surprised. It is one of my complex, and I've been trying to change that for years now, and since I've been through a lot these past two years, believe me, I am way better now.

Aside, not getting asked for anything, for me, is a blessing. As a parent, I knew really well, to some extent, you need to know what your child is doing, who their friend is, etc. If I had a child, I'd do that also. But to me, getting all sort of questions seems like I haven't been granted freedom on how to lead my own life.

Parent is a priority, family first. That's the path for you to go to heaven. Respect your parent. I am a family man, just that, I've this kind of inferiority complex that I don't really like to share my emotions with people. I fake a smile a lot. But as a child, I respect them very much. I cherish their opinions and advices, but when it comes to making decisions. I'd like make my own.

As I'm growing older, I realize that they are also growing old. My mum still works hard at school, and I can see clear wrinkle on my dad's forehead. They were always busy with something, and they will always be for the family.

Hence, as a son who always makes a mistake, and sinning towards my parent,

I hereby apologize and I feel terribly sorry.

For not being a good son.

For not being someone you can be proud of.

For calling home, not so often.

For being a lazy bump when I'm at home.

For always being naughty.

For keeping quiet.

It'll get better, one day.

I promise and I hope it's not too late.

A spoiled brat.

A View On Marriage

Nope, not gonna discuss that.


Keep Going, I Guess

2014, at least 3 quarters of it have passed us by, and I think this year is a bit weird.

This is no longer the year where I can wander aimlessly on the street while chilling out in the city or looking tired and casually going to class with bed hair, half open eyes and sleeping clothes just because I slept late that night. 2014 supposed to be the last year where I can enjoy my student life.

At this point, I've already set a goal in mind. I think I should. I'll be turning 23 soon. Why it is weird for me? Everything that was tearing apart suddenly coming back altogether at the same time. It didn't even let me feel remorse or grief or whatsoever, my life journey suddenly took a twist, and it was okay. Come on, how am I suppose to deal with that?

There were no longer heart-aching moment, rolling in bed regretting what had happened, and take a drive alone at night breathing some midnight air time. I was okay.

And I stayed the same.

The problem that I have right now is that I still dwell in the 'what ifs' instead of assuring myself to chase things further in the 'what wills'. A part of it is probably because I'm a damn realist. I don't hope that much. I don't have that kind of optimism or positive attitude like 'I can do it'. There is no 'I can do it'. My philosophy revolves around 'If I fail, then what?'. I live in worst-case scenario. Ever, I keep making plans, from A to Z, alternating between daydreaming and constructing contingency plans.

There is a realisation that I've come into that creating or living an ideal is not ideal at all, it's like living in perfection of which it contradicts the idea of reality itself. When I'm in state of 'okay', what can be worst? I am okay, therefore I am happy. When I seemed to truly understand that making a mistake or being cornered during a time in our life is perfectly normal for everyone, appreciating the state of mind of being okay is what I should probably do. Either way, deeply I knew that this doesn't display the contentment of being happy at all. Happiness leads to motivation.

Motivation leads to change. If I stayed the same, and proclaimed I was happy, I failed actually to understand or interpret the relative meaning of 'happy'. When living in worst case scenario, there is a thing that you will hear.

A whisper to the ears, "Good enough is good enough".

I, maybe, on the other hand, is a victim of stoicism.

Those who seemed solid on the outside, but actually vulnerable and fragile.

Good enough is not good enough.

Keep going, I guess but rather, this time I'll be my own hero.

I should do 'ihsaan' to myself.

"Doing great" is "good enough".

"Shake it off, shake it off" - Taylor Swift

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Vid: Hari Malaysia - Kembara

Tak boleh ke nak hidup aman damai tanpa racism dekat Malaysia ni?

Saya bercita-cita nak kawin chinese ni :)

Saturday, September 13, 2014

How I Save Money ?

So, a friend asked me, "How do you save money?"

First of all, it's how I lead my life. I spent almost all of my allowance on food. Yes, food is my top priority. I rarely go shopping, I do not own any awesome gadgets, most of the time, I just use whatever I have.

I owned a laptop (Sony Vaio, has been using it for 4 years now), a phone (HTC One, after my old one broke, and I have extra money, hence I supposed buying a better phone is like an investment and I have no intent of buying or changing to a new one in three years time) and that's it. I wear my old clothes until they turn dull, or tear apart. I used to have an Onizuka Tiger (a pair of shoes, bought for 50 dollars in Toronto) and it lasted for about 3 years. The best one I've ever had since I used them to play futsal, going to class and even hiking. It ripped during my last hiking trip to Broga.

So, I don't really spend money on things I find useless, or I don't need it. Yeah, I also desire a camera (a compact SLR or DSLR), a Gopro, what else, pretty clothes like everyone else. But if I can still use my old one, why bother spending? Yeah, you can say that I'm a little stingy, cheapskate whatever, but the thing is I don't have an income (at this point).

I came from a normal family (neither rich nor poor, but we can afford a living I guess). I received a scholarship from the government, so I don't really want to burden my family with all the allowance they have to provide for me every month, I can use the money from the scholarship I got. But yeah, they still give me some every month. So, when I don't really generate money on my own, I basically have to refrain myself from overspending, Lavish way of life is not an option here.

I spent in on food. Good food, but quite pricey. Not that kind of food you will eat every week, but once a month is still okay (I'll be totally broke if that happens). I only receive enough money for a living, a fixed amount every month.

So, here is  the idea that I came up with. Aside from keeping track of your cash flow, I guess you can do this. At least it works for me. I have 3 bank accounts. I do not know why, it just happened that way. The moment I turned 18, my father changed the accounts' name, so now I totally have control over the money on every account. So, I keep one account with my father, and use the other two. By the time, I received my scholarship, I need to make a new account. So here is the summary of the account I have.

Bank A - Scholarship money / Living allowance
Bank B - Saving / Loan Account
Bank C - The spending account (by the end of the day, the amount is nearly zero)

My primary account is Bank A. This is where I get my fixed living allowance every month. Bank B is my saving account or loan account. I'll explain after this. And Bank C is my spending account where every time I want to buy something I'll use the money from this bank.

Okay, since every month I'll use my money from Bank A, every first week of the month, I'll withdraw the fixed amount I get for that month. This may not feel safe, withdrawing quite the sum of money (a month allowance people) at one time, but this is the trick. So let's say my allowance for a month is 1000. So, I 'll withdraw 1000, and for the rest of the month I'll use only the money I keep in my wallet. Even, when I happen to be short at the end of the month, I'll not withdraw again. Because the money is enough for me to live for a month, if I need more that's mean I already overspent. If I need to stuff on instant noodle and nasi bujang (rice with omelette), then I should.

During my internship, during raya or sometimes my parent give some cash every month, all the money that I received I'll deposit them in Bank B. Every year I'll have a fixed amount of money I set Bank B to have. In 2012, it is 1000. 2013, it is 1500. And this year, it is 2000 (it should increase every year, that's the point of saving). Getting a fixed amount ( like a cut point or something), I can keep track of my money and still save a lot. This is my saving account. So, sometimes during emergency I need extra money, I'll take it from this account. So let's say I need to use 500 ringgit. So the balance of the account is 1500. But I already set the amount to be 2000. So I need to find money to top it up again, so the balance will be 2000 again. It's like a credit account. The amount must be always what you set it to be.

Bank C is where I keep my money for the things I want to buy. The other day when my phone broke, I borrowed a friend's phone and used it for almost half a year. During that time, little by little, I cashed in some money into this account. Not a huge amount at once. I was saving up my money to buy the new phone (the HTC One I'm using right now). So every month, I'll cash in some money till it reaches the amount I need. So, I returned the phone and bought a new one. And then again, the balance of this account is almost zero. I still deposit some money at the moment for travelling purposes.

So, using these three bank accounts, I managed to save my money. But the thing is, you'll also need extra income. Income from part time job, allowance from parent, duit raya, duit whatsoever you receive, don't spend it all at one go. Plan your spending. As a student, this is what I do. I don't have that much luxury and I don't really want to burden my parent (I already received scholarship money), so all the things that I want or places I want to go, I need to come up with the incentives on my own.

So, that's how I save money.

Currently, saving some money to travel to either Indonesia, Japan or Australia. I also need a camera or a gopro. Either one. And don't mind my grammar. Too lazy to check it.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Song: Warisan

Pesan Sudirman bukan lah tidak mudah difahami. Ia begitu jelas dalan susuk rangkap dan bait-bait lirik dan melodi sebuah lagu bertajuk "Warisan"

Berjuang demi bangsa itu punya banyak cara.

Berjuang demi negara itu tidak semestinya ke medan peperangan

Anak muda harapan, pemuda pemudi pemikiran, penyambung warisan, pembela adat ketamadunan, kesemuanya ada medan tempur nya sendiri.

Ingin ku ungkapkan sekali lagi,

Bukanlah seorang perwira
Gagah menghunus senjata
Namun rela hati berjuang
Walau dengan cara sendiri
Demi cinta ini

Aku lah penyambung warisan

Selamat Hari Merdeka ke 57 !

Friday, August 29, 2014

Eye Opening Escapade: Part 2

Me: Back to reality

Dalton: So everything that happened in here (Mabul) is not real?

What Dalton said was true, it's just us being in state of denial. Everything is a reality, from the moment we were born, we live in the real world. There's no back to reality. We live in reality all along.


Desmond, or Des is the diving instructor at ScubaJeff, the place we chose to stay during our trip in Mabul Island. We met him at ScubaJeff office in Semporna, while we were waiting for our boat. That day also was Des first day in Semporna and Mabul. So he gladly joined us for the first two days of our short vacation.

Des seemed like a simple guy, wearing a tank top and short for almost all the time of the day. He came from South Africa, and have been travelling since he finished high school. We talked and shared stories while chilling on the deck and stuffing our mouth with some snacks we bought at Semporna. He lead quite an interesting life, since he have been travelling to most of Asian countries. He has seen lots of things and based on his stories, we were quite fascinated and to some degree, respected him. We imagined getting a diving license as an instructor would be easy but that was not the case. Des told us that he need to learn physics, physiology, psychology and all other stuffs, and he need to take two tests, the written one and practical exam to get his license and he need to pass both. Underwent two months of training, and he said to us during that two months preparation, he also can fail without actually taking the real tests. While we thought he seemed to be a laid-back kind of guy, his stories told a different thing, he is a hardworking guy and willing to put his utmost effort for the thing he loves.

It struck me hard. People don't just get what they wanted most of the time. It doesn't come rolling the moment you want it. They strive for it. I know this seems cliche, but then hearing it personally from a person I know, this is not a drama that you watch on tv on weekly basis. Living and struggle are real.


Our last night in Mabul, we joined ScubaJeff staffs for some snacks and drinks, kinda like spending some quality time with the staffs. They actually were holding a welcome party for Des. That night, we had the chance to have some small chit chat with Dalton, the co-owner of ScubaJeff and it turned out that small chit chat lasted for a few hours.

We joined the staffs and Dalton was showing us some magic tricks. I assured you he was quick with his hands, and he was amazing. He had fooled a few of us, though we knew magic trick is an illusion or distraction to the eyes, but we had a good time with his tricks.

Then, we started asking questions. I predicted that his age was around 40 something. He was a civil engineer in Ireland, getting fed up with his boring life, he started travelling and to date, haven't really settled down yet. He plans to go South America for a couple of years, but at the moment he is occupied with works at ScubaJeff as manager, and he also owned a dive shop in Thailand.

Dalton has been to all over the world, except for South America. How cool is that, most of us were surprised and impressed. But then there was also the bad side of it, but Dalton told us, he had fun. Dalton hitch-hiked in Middle East for four months, from Egypt and ended up in Syria. He worked at a cyber cafe, as a bartender, as a DJ and also a part time magician. Well, he said he usually get his own way due to his connection with people, and by the way he talk, I assume he has the ability to convince people. Probably he also know how to scam people, but then let's just be positive. He used to live in the streets, stayed for months for free at a hotel owned by his friends, and get scammed by others till he fell completely broke.

There was plenty of stories he told us that night. And it made us think, are we going in the right direction? Dalton gave us some advices. Life is not all about going in the right direction and making the right decision all the time, it is about finding ourselves and what is our passion. You get lost, you fall down. All of that don't matter, because it happens to everyone.

"I just want to be happy".

"If I don't like something, f**k this and bye bye".


I took it as an example. He may not be a religious person, still single and hasn't settled down anywhere and never plan to do it in the meantime. But he has already experienced life more than all of us and has been through a lot, hence a respect to him.

If people ask me the same question we asked Dalton, probably I don't have any answer. Worst, I become confused than I already am. Honestly, I still don't know about what I really wanted to do, what my passion is, and am I doing this sincerely or out of consideration of playing safe in life.

We become sceptical of people. To survive, we need to have a degree or a diploma. We need to have a professional job, so we can lead a good life. Get married, have kids and all sort of things we can see a lot nowadays. Those who don't, they are bounded to fail. Died alone maybe. Truth be told, I couldn't be like Dalton. I have my own principle and belief.

Yet, I do admire him. I'm thinking of travelling. That's all in my head now. I haven't learn from people as much as I can. I already knew the essence of failure. I can see flaws in my own country, the people, the systems, the moral doctrine, and the culture. But learning is a continuous process till the day you die. And we can never finish learning. There's so much I haven't discover yet, there are places I haven't see with my own eyes and set foot onto. To think I desire those kind of things, sacrifice is certainly needed.

Well, I don't know. I'm still in the process of sorting out my thought.

Ever, I wish I'm happy. For now, I am. In near or distant future, let's pray I'm still happy with what I do.

And you too.

I like kids?

Next? Haha, not in three years time.

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