Friday, October 24, 2014

Hati Kecil

Seketika cuma, ku tertanya,
Mengapa hati kecil ini,
Penuh bisa?

Namun, ia juga,
Penuh rasa.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The World Is Just Awesome

Sucker. Junkie. Whatever.

Boom - Dee - Ah - Daah, Boom - Dee - Ah - Daah,


Tuesday is my kind of Monday.

Monday is my bed day. Bedridden, doze off.

And I agree, Wednesday is a good coffee day.

Untitled #22

Berlabuh lembut titisan air
Dari langit yang kelam, suram
Diselangi guruh yang menduga sukma

Dan saat itu aku rebah
Mehamparkan sekujur tubuh lebih dekat ke tanah
Menghela nafas, mengunjur jemari
Laksana buku lama yang ingin
Ku singkap kembali

Sudah terlalu lama
Tidak berbicara

Hilang kata
Hilang jiwa
Hilang cinta

Monday, September 22, 2014

Thank You, And Then A Bow

To start the story, I was rather stubborn, and I still am. Especially when it comes to feelings and thoughts. I am the kind of guy, you can say, a very reserved person. I open up to people, but in most cases, I usually keep emotional things to myself.

I don't really share about my problems to people, not even to my best friends, let alone my parent. I'd rather keep all my frustration, anger, and sadness deep inside my heart till all these unease feelings were no longer there, till they completely vanished and gone. Not even a word to the people around me. I couldn't bother them with my trouble at all, though I knew, deeply, that they were somehow worried, especially my parent.

After much incidents, my parent don't really ask me about how am I feeling any more. Of which, this is not normal at all. How can a relationship between a child and his parent resorts to this situation? I admit it, I seemed like a spoiled brat who doesn't respect my parent at all.

But somehow, they know that I'm going to be okay and they respect all my decisions in life. My father never say a word, just asking how my life is going now and then, and whether I need some money or not. My mum, like usual, occasionally asking me what am I doing through phone call. Yeah, I did share some of things with them, sometimes, or whenever I go somewhere, I'll inform them first.

It seemed that they trust me a lot, that I keep thinking, I can't disappoint them any further. I always keep things to myself, and because of the trust they have given me, I shall repay them with how well am I doing with my study, career, life and so forth. They know I don't like being bothered with questions, so at times, when we have a talk, even a small one, it will always be me who started it. Yeah, I have that kind of relationship with my parent, don't be surprised. It is one of my complex, and I've been trying to change that for years now, and since I've been through a lot these past two years, believe me, I am way better now.

Aside, not getting asked for anything, for me, is a blessing. As a parent, I knew really well, to some extent, you need to know what your child is doing, who their friend is, etc. If I had a child, I'd do that also. But to me, getting all sort of questions seems like I haven't been granted freedom on how to lead my own life.

Parent is a priority, family first. That's the path for you to go to heaven. Respect your parent. I am a family man, just that, I've this kind of inferiority complex that I don't really like to share my emotions with people. I fake a smile a lot. But as a child, I respect them very much. I cherish their opinions and advices, but when it comes to making decisions. I'd like make my own.

As I'm growing older, I realize that they are also growing old. My mum still works hard at school, and I can see clear wrinkle on my dad's forehead. They were always busy with something, and they will always be for the family.

Hence, as a son who always makes a mistake, and sinning towards my parent,

I hereby apologize and I feel terribly sorry.

For not being a good son.

For not being someone you can be proud of.

For calling home, not so often.

For being a lazy bump when I'm at home.

For always being naughty.

For keeping quiet.

It'll get better, one day.

I promise and I hope it's not too late.

A spoiled brat.

A View On Marriage

Nope, not gonna discuss that.


Keep Going, I Guess

2014, at least 3 quarters of it have passed us by, and I think this year is a bit weird.

This is no longer the year where I can wander aimlessly on the street while chilling out in the city or looking tired and casually going to class with bed hair, half open eyes and sleeping clothes just because I slept late that night. 2014 supposed to be the last year where I can enjoy my student life.

At this point, I've already set a goal in mind. I think I should. I'll be turning 23 soon. Why it is weird for me? Everything that was tearing apart suddenly coming back altogether at the same time. It didn't even let me feel remorse or grief or whatsoever, my life journey suddenly took a twist, and it was okay. Come on, how am I suppose to deal with that?

There were no longer heart-aching moment, rolling in bed regretting what had happened, and take a drive alone at night breathing some midnight air time. I was okay.

And I stayed the same.

The problem that I have right now is that I still dwell in the 'what ifs' instead of assuring myself to chase things further in the 'what wills'. A part of it is probably because I'm a damn realist. I don't hope that much. I don't have that kind of optimism or positive attitude like 'I can do it'. There is no 'I can do it'. My philosophy revolves around 'If I fail, then what?'. I live in worst-case scenario. Ever, I keep making plans, from A to Z, alternating between daydreaming and constructing contingency plans.

There is a realisation that I've come into that creating or living an ideal is not ideal at all, it's like living in perfection of which it contradicts the idea of reality itself. When I'm in state of 'okay', what can be worst? I am okay, therefore I am happy. When I seemed to truly understand that making a mistake or being cornered during a time in our life is perfectly normal for everyone, appreciating the state of mind of being okay is what I should probably do. Either way, deeply I knew that this doesn't display the contentment of being happy at all. Happiness leads to motivation.

Motivation leads to change. If I stayed the same, and proclaimed I was happy, I failed actually to understand or interpret the relative meaning of 'happy'. When living in worst case scenario, there is a thing that you will hear.

A whisper to the ears, "Good enough is good enough".

I, maybe, on the other hand, is a victim of stoicism.

Those who seemed solid on the outside, but actually vulnerable and fragile.

Good enough is not good enough.

Keep going, I guess but rather, this time I'll be my own hero.

I should do 'ihsaan' to myself.

"Doing great" is "good enough".

"Shake it off, shake it off" - Taylor Swift

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