Monday, July 7, 2014

Of Ramadhan And FYP

Disclaimer: I won't be getting any sleep tonight - T..T

Assalamualaikum (Peace be upon you) !

We already reached a quarter of Ramadhan this year, and disappointedly I failed to sort out my life schedule during this holy month. For the first time, I feel the pressure of being a final year student. Not because the subjects are getting harder but the tedious and enormous mount of works I need to do - that includes research (filtering credited journals and papers), doing a summary of those journals so that I understand them better and won't have problems in relating them to my thesis and study according to my lecturers, writing drafts of which I usually stumbled upon writer's block (well writing a thesis is not the same as ranting in a blog but the state of being blur and cloudy and inanimate brain activities are merely the same), and also freaking out that I might give up on this final year project (FYP).

But then as much as there is a swirling of emotions between do and procrastinate, anxiety and fear couldn't contain my love of procrastination as if it has occurred to me to be a natural thing, like breathing. I sometimes, out of my cluelessness of what to type on the empty sheet of white space of word document, find myself regretting my choice for choosing geotechnical engineering as my major while being good and has a relatively good grade in structural engineering. I know some of you may not recognize this field of engineering, or never heard about it, let's just say, it's your choice when going to a fusion restaurant. In wide range of food, what kind of food you like or prefer - mexican, japanese, local malay food, chinese, etc - to word it metaphorically.

I realized the usual last minute effort and struggle weren't effective for long term research (about half a year). Preparation is needed and by far the most important factor in planning a project. It's hard reality that I seems to forget because being in a malaysian university, the junior and sophomore years are quite easy, well I didn't say about the exams being easy, the course structure and outline and the program outcome they expected us to learn are simple and basic - understanding and apply the knowledge of the subject. And the project for each engineering subject is submitted on papers, with research on google and wikipedia and copy paste and so forth, dismissing the culture of academia of cultivating proper research methodology.

And that being said, to sum it up, I am lazy student who wish things would just stay the same till I graduated. The exam based evaluation and the significance of getting good grade in exam - kind of a mind control mechanism for academic assessment - are still intact even at tertiary level. Not really obvious but it's obviously there. So, I'm practically ruined inside, but yeah, I have encountered this type of fear of rejection and failure many times before and I just need to work my lazy ass here. A diligent student !

And for Ramadhan, I fear I'm being the same. There's no change at all. Ramadhan is a catalyst for people to be drawn to goodness. If before we are Muslims, and now we become practising Muslims. If we overlook the fact that Allah has granted us every year 30 days of change and we couldn't even take advantage of it, we are really at loss.

May we desire change, and may our change remains.

Allahumma baligna Ramadhan.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Journey

I might be a little late, but The Journey was awesome.

This story was so simple, yet it brought tears to my eyes.(Okay, I takde lah nak nangis lebih-lebih, mata berkaca sahaja, okay. Laki mana boleh nangis. Ayat gedik sikit)

But it's true. When most of us are obsessed with modern lifestyle, we forget about our lifelong tradition and technology also plays a big part in us forgetting them. Though there are a few traditions I found a bit weird, bogus and superstitious, but most of them are filled with good values.

I ponder upon my own family ties. We are very close, and that's probably because the older generations still hold to those kind of malay customs. The story - the father-in-law requests that they are supposed to send the wedding invitation by hand. Meet up with people and give them the wedding card. If we compare to what we have now, maybe we are too busy cause we have other things to do - we'll probably end up using facebook or text message to do the invitation. We depend too much on electronic devices and social media.

While it has pros and cons, for once, I seem to favour my own custom and tradition. Moderate wedding celebration with close friends and family. It doesn't need to be big and fancy and all that, it just need to fill with people you are close with, the right kind of people

Watch The Journey, You'll know what I mean.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Lowering Expectation

There might be truth in it. Disappointment and expectation are inseparable.

Everything is firework when you have low expectation. I agree, but that doesn't include in my dictionary nor my philosophy of life. I have failed before, miserably. So I really understand, having a really high expectation can lead you to disappointment, especially when those around you also expect you to do good, instead of messing up things.

People's expectation creates pressure that seems to have no boundary. Thus, meeting those expectation is more important than satisfying your own needs. I felt that a lot when I was two, three years younger. Why I can't agree on having low expectation on task, jobs or works that you're doing, the main reason will be my ego perhaps. Yes, ego.

Or rather, I like to word it as self actualization. Self actualization provides sense of completion whenever I do things. And by completion, you finish the job with all of the efforts you put into it to achieve near perfection, or till you feel satisfy with what you did. I have a very high expectation of myself.

Because to a certain degree, I like to believe in my capability. Trust me, I'm surrounded by talented and respectful people that once in a while I feel suffocated and overwhelmed being near them. When I have a lot of friends like that, I start questioning myself why I can't be like them? I may not achieve big things yet, but at least I'd like take seriously of any tasks that I' entrusted with. When positive vibes are channelled from these capable and trustworthy people to those around them, why can't we?

I do things in the eleventh hour. I'm a last minuter. I do my works whenever I feel like doing it. A bit irony don't you think? But I perform my best whenever I'm in pressure or being cornered by time. Ideas pop up immediately and flowing like waterfall at the expenses of my night sleep. It is not a healthy way, nor recommended by me. But some people have their way of doing thing right? 

Whenever I talk about people's expectation, honestly I couldn't care less right now. I've been there. I used to hit rock bottom, and with the solid ground I fell onto back then, I start building my own foundation, my own way of doing things and I'm happy with my current self. I like what I'm doing right now and I did good too. I see myself capable of doing things, and I did failed once in a while, but I didn't feel that much of a grief when that happened. I see it as a part of living. But easier said than done, that life has its up and down, I said it because I've experienced it before. Not blatantly spurt it out like I'm a wise man, no.

To describe myself, I prefer to be called a realist optimist. I dream within my capabilities. and how do you measure capabilities? You've got to try. Till then you won't know. And by far, when capability is so mysterious why not regard yourself as a capable man?

All these waking up in the morning and sleep at night routines, you'll probably encounter lots of things. And that my friend, everyone else is the same, everyone is on the same boat. Quoting Pink,

"Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die, you gotta get up and try and try and try."

We don't dictate the end. God does.

Do justice to ourselves, have some faith in our own might but ignore of those judgy eyes around us.

Tell me, who doesn't fail? Who doesn't feel disappointed?

La tastaslimu ! (Don't give up).

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Little Lights

All the million lights
All the little lights
Come from million of years
And shine in your sight
When moon fades through the night
I hear love out of cage
Utter by the mighty old sage
Dear distant one
You’ve thrown me a back
Pulse encircles
My heart beats become lyrical

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