Saturday, February 28, 2015

A freeman, but not


I suffered from several back pains, stiff shoulder, headaches and moments of desperation during the past five days.

Thesis submission is due on Monday.

As a part of fulfilment of my degree, thesis is a must. It's a big thing, it is bigger than my love of coffee. All of the sudden, thesis become so important after I finished my last paper for final exam as it determines whether I can graduate or not this semester. I've been in the education system for too long, a total of 16 years as of now and the desire to break free from the entanglement of pain and suffering of formal education has been built for so many years and today it erupts like a blazing volcano.

I've completed almost all of it, I just need to format it according to the specification of my university and to check for any plagiarism and finally, printing three copies of it. I've got to apologize for not keeping this blog updated in a frequent manner and the last time I wrote was in early January.

I haven't had enough sleep for five days, and I think if this is going to continue for another two days, I might pass out sooner or later. But Alhamdullillah, praise to the Almighty Lord, I was able to finish my thesis; at least for the main content. But it was such a relief; I sighed long enough but deeply inside, I feel contented.

Sweats and efforts for the past 6 months finally come to an end. I will become a freeman, but not.

Living is not that easy. I haven't think about it yet, what I want to do after this. I am someone who most of the time just going with flow. I actually lack motivation, and I don't really have any particular interest. Either I choose to continue doing Master, or simply find a full time job, or perhaps becoming a teacher, there is going to be lots of things waiting for me down the road.

In this world, there is no a freeman. There are slaves, who are given the opportunity to make choices.

We might think we are free; not bound to any obligation and responsibility; we are wrong.

I wish to write more, but I really need to get some sleep. Do pray for me :)

See you !

Friday, January 16, 2015

In Love, Ever Again


It's time to start anew. Each year, without missing, people will talk about new year resolution. As time goes by, some people just wouldn't want to talk about it again as making or deciding a new year resolution hasn't made any difference or change throughout their lives a year before. Or maybe the trend goes way back that people start to feel revulsion of the thought of having a resolution.

For me, it's not a bother at all. January may be the same for some people, but January also could make a difference. Having a resolution is not a crime, less a petty thing to have. You don't know what people have gone through a year before and what they wish for is perhaps another step forward, and January is all that they are betting for.

A step in January that could lead to other things. 

Each one of us, deep down, sincerely wish for good memory to happen but that's not the case for everyone. A friend of mine lost his beloved mother a few days ago. How heartbreaking he must has felt to have lost one of his dearest treasures when he is just about to get engaged, just starting a new job and it happened in January. I went to visit her mum in the hospital, and I felt like crying inside the ward. Of whom to comfort, I felt like I'm the one who was being comforted instead of him and the rest of his family. An acceptance to let our precious one to go and left us behind certainly requires courage beyond physical and emotional strength.

Ergo, I don't feel the need to mock people who decide to change in January. In a way, January is what they have left.

I decided to be in love, ever again. To be in love with myself and the people around me as well in what I'll do in the coming days. I wish to fulfil anything I desire for the goodness of  people whom I care a lot. To be a more loving one than what I used to be, in January I pray it'll begin.

In January, I met again a person. Adorable as she is but a dork at times. A person who can point out my weaknesses, but at the same time giving off such an affectionate vibe. Her words may hurt, but as I decided I will not be ever in denial any more, I accepted her words. And I wish she accepted mine. My wounded night heals over her smiles and goodnight wishes, and I couldn't ask for more.

Acceptance. More than ever, what I had hoped for.

Acceptance to oneself, to be decent and a little bit stronger.

To mend heart that is hard like a rock, and to mend soul which illuminates,

To grasp hand in need, and to return love that is given.

That's all I long for. 



Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Another Ending

Don't you think that a year feels like nothing? Or it is just me?

Yes, I'm writing again after so long though actually I have no idea what to talk about, but since new year is coming, I guess I should write something on this blog to commemorate the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

Reflection, theme which people constantly write about, cliché as it can be . However, people keep forgetting, like I am today, so I couldn't comment on that actually and I should just nod my head obediently. People need to be kept reminded, yeah, no?

A moment ago, I was working under the sun, with shades on, wearing my blue uniform, and all of a sudden, I entered my final year of study. Now I am busy with design project and so forth. In that slow passing of time, there were so many sequences of events that took place that I seemed to forget or went unnoticed, not because I deliberately forget them, but I think I was occupied with something else. I was busy.

2014 was a busy year for me. I think I did a lot of things this year. I was infatuated and frustrated at the beginning of the year. So to make up for that, you know, keeping your mind (and heart) off the topic and subject, being busy was one of the things. Honestly, it didn't work out that well.

Still, it was hectic. It was breathtaking. Being broken and heal and having swirling of emotions at times while holding a cup of tea and stare blankly into the dark sky almost every night. It has become a habit, or an unexpected hobby including leaning on the wall, sometimes.

2014, was like any other year. I had fun. Not to forget things that were bitter. That sensation of life is a proof to our very own existence even in pain. It signifies in a certain way, we are just humans.

Of all the philosophies, arts and poetries, that I have tried to escape into, the sole reason is not that I ran away, I went there to restore my own self to attach back bits and pieces which crumbled along the journey into whole ones again.

You know what is the best time to reflect and think, I never thought this actually work, and you can say that I found it in a funny way, the laundry shop ! That kind of laundry shop where you do it yourself. Yup, there was one moment I went there because I had no more clean clothes and I went there at midnight. There was no one else, I was alone. As I sat there waiting for my clothes to be done, I went to nearby 7e and bought a Pocky. I was eating, one by one, and suddenly it became heavy. I was in deep thought as I stared my clothes being washed, turning and swirling in a circular motion. It was weird, even so I felt calm. I felt contented with myself, with all circumstances and turning of events.

I know I have a lot to improve on, nonetheless, there are still lots of things to cherish,

And today, I am 23.

23.

That was quite lengthy of time to be living.

What I have now is also quite plenty compared to others.

I wish to stay grateful.

I wish to be a more loving one.

With all my heart.

With all my heart.






Thursday, December 11, 2014

Bond


After so long that I couldn't almost remember what affection feels like. I still wonder what kind of bond I share with people around me, with me being reserved most of the time I perhaps unconsciously treating them as an acquaintance only.

That indeed, it's difficult for me to speak of love and affection when the bonds I'm sharing with various people are mere ragged knot which is about to break.

Bond, as such, becomes quite complicated as time passes by. People change, you change. And you can't expect people to be the same when they've gone through living during all that period of time you are missing in their lives and not by their side. 

Many words to be said. Meanings to be shared. But sadly, at the moment, none of these happens.

When familiar becomes unfamiliar.

When bond breaks.

When love is unknown and affection loses its grace and dignify sense that connects between two souls.

There's no eye, ear and shoulder to turn to,
There's no home to return to,

How to feel needed again?




Monday, November 17, 2014

Running Against Time

I've been counting days and months and becoming aware of how little time I have actually till the day I supposedly to finish this seemingly long years of undergraduate studies.

Noted that I mentioned 'supposedly'.

I'm actually scared, no, 'scared' doesn't word it right. I'm horrified, terrified beyond measure.

IDP (Integrated Design Project) is totally a burden.

FYP (Final Year Project, Thesis), well is not like it doesn't progress at all, I couldn't get much help like everyone else, thus my work has stopped for a while. Getting an info for new things on market is not that easy too.

And how could people expect me to learn new software (by myself !) in two weeks time?

Excuse me, I don't think I've that much energy to express my dissatisfaction.

Excuse me.

Friday, October 31, 2014

5 cm





5 cm. An indonesian film. Go watch now ! Available on youtube.


Notable indonesian film:


  • Laskar Pelangi
  • Alangkah Lucunya Negeri Ini
  • Ketika Cinta Bertasbih
  • Ayat Ayat Cinta
  • 99 Cahaya di Langit Eropa
  • Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck
  • 9 Summers 10 Autumns
  • Negeri 5 Menara
  • Hafalan Shalat Delisa

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