Monday, September 22, 2014

Thank You, And Then A Bow

To start the story, I was rather stubborn, and I still am. Especially when it comes to feelings and thoughts. I am the kind of guy, you can say, a very reserved person. I open up to people, but in most cases, I usually keep emotional things to myself.

I don't really share about my problems to people, not even to my best friends, let alone my parent. I'd rather keep all my frustration, anger, and sadness deep inside my heart till all these unease feelings were no longer there, till they completely vanished and gone. Not even a word to the people around me. I couldn't bother them with my trouble at all, though I knew, deeply, that they were somehow worried, especially my parent.

After much incidents, my parent don't really ask me about how am I feeling any more. Of which, this is not normal at all. How can a relationship between a child and his parent resorts to this situation? I admit it, I seemed like a spoiled brat who doesn't respect my parent at all.

But somehow, they know that I'm going to be okay and they respect all my decisions in life. My father never say a word, just asking how my life is going now and then, and whether I need some money or not. My mum, like usual, occasionally asking me what am I doing through phone call. Yeah, I did share some of things with them, sometimes, or whenever I go somewhere, I'll inform them first.

It seemed that they trust me a lot, that I keep thinking, I can't disappoint them any further. I always keep things to myself, and because of the trust they have given me, I shall repay them with how well am I doing with my study, career, life and so forth. They know I don't like being bothered with questions, so at times, when we have a talk, even a small one, it will always be me who started it. Yeah, I have that kind of relationship with my parent, don't be surprised. It is one of my complex, and I've been trying to change that for years now, and since I've been through a lot these past two years, believe me, I am way better now.

Aside, not getting asked for anything, for me, is a blessing. As a parent, I knew really well, to some extent, you need to know what your child is doing, who their friend is, etc. If I had a child, I'd do that also. But to me, getting all sort of questions seems like I haven't been granted freedom on how to lead my own life.

Parent is a priority, family first. That's the path for you to go to heaven. Respect your parent. I am a family man, just that, I've this kind of inferiority complex that I don't really like to share my emotions with people. I fake a smile a lot. But as a child, I respect them very much. I cherish their opinions and advices, but when it comes to making decisions. I'd like make my own.

As I'm growing older, I realize that they are also growing old. My mum still works hard at school, and I can see clear wrinkle on my dad's forehead. They were always busy with something, and they will always be for the family.

Hence, as a son who always makes a mistake, and sinning towards my parent,

I hereby apologize and I feel terribly sorry.

For not being a good son.

For not being someone you can be proud of.

For calling home, not so often.

For being a lazy bump when I'm at home.

For always being naughty.

For keeping quiet.

It'll get better, one day.

I promise and I hope it's not too late.

A spoiled brat.

A View On Marriage

Nope, not gonna discuss that.


Keep Going, I Guess

2014, at least 3 quarters of it have passed us by, and I think this year is a bit weird.

This is no longer the year where I can wander aimlessly on the street while chilling out in the city or looking tired and casually going to class with bed hair, half open eyes and sleeping clothes just because I slept late that night. 2014 supposed to be the last year where I can enjoy my student life.

At this point, I've already set a goal in mind. I think I should. I'll be turning 23 soon. Why it is weird for me? Everything that was tearing apart suddenly coming back altogether at the same time. It didn't even let me feel remorse or grief or whatsoever, my life journey suddenly took a twist, and it was okay. Come on, how am I suppose to deal with that?

There were no longer heart-aching moment, rolling in bed regretting what had happened, and take a drive alone at night breathing some midnight air time. I was okay.

And I stayed the same.

The problem that I have right now is that I still dwell in the 'what ifs' instead of assuring myself to chase things further in the 'what wills'. A part of it is probably because I'm a damn realist. I don't hope that much. I don't have that kind of optimism or positive attitude like 'I can do it'. There is no 'I can do it'. My philosophy revolves around 'If I fail, then what?'. I live in worst-case scenario. Ever, I keep making plans, from A to Z, alternating between daydreaming and constructing contingency plans.

There is a realisation that I've come into that creating or living an ideal is not ideal at all, it's like living in perfection of which it contradicts the idea of reality itself. When I'm in state of 'okay', what can be worst? I am okay, therefore I am happy. When I seemed to truly understand that making a mistake or being cornered during a time in our life is perfectly normal for everyone, appreciating the state of mind of being okay is what I should probably do. Either way, deeply I knew that this doesn't display the contentment of being happy at all. Happiness leads to motivation.

Motivation leads to change. If I stayed the same, and proclaimed I was happy, I failed actually to understand or interpret the relative meaning of 'happy'. When living in worst case scenario, there is a thing that you will hear.

A whisper to the ears, "Good enough is good enough".

I, maybe, on the other hand, is a victim of stoicism.

Those who seemed solid on the outside, but actually vulnerable and fragile.

Good enough is not good enough.

Keep going, I guess but rather, this time I'll be my own hero.

I should do 'ihsaan' to myself.

"Doing great" is "good enough".

"Shake it off, shake it off" - Taylor Swift

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Vid: Hari Malaysia - Kembara

Tak boleh ke nak hidup aman damai tanpa racism dekat Malaysia ni?

Saya bercita-cita nak kawin chinese ni :)

Saturday, September 13, 2014

How I Save Money ?

So, a friend asked me, "How do you save money?"

First of all, it's how I lead my life. I spent almost all of my allowance on food. Yes, food is my top priority. I rarely go shopping, I do not own any awesome gadgets, most of the time, I just use whatever I have.

I owned a laptop (Sony Vaio, has been using it for 4 years now), a phone (HTC One, after my old one broke, and I have extra money, hence I supposed buying a better phone is like an investment and I have no intent of buying or changing to a new one in three years time) and that's it. I wear my old clothes until they turn dull, or tear apart. I used to have an Onizuka Tiger (a pair of shoes, bought for 50 dollars in Toronto) and it lasted for about 3 years. The best one I've ever had since I used them to play futsal, going to class and even hiking. It ripped during my last hiking trip to Broga.

So, I don't really spend money on things I find useless, or I don't need it. Yeah, I also desire a camera (a compact SLR or DSLR), a Gopro, what else, pretty clothes like everyone else. But if I can still use my old one, why bother spending? Yeah, you can say that I'm a little stingy, cheapskate whatever, but the thing is I don't have an income (at this point).

I came from a normal family (neither rich nor poor, but we can afford a living I guess). I received a scholarship from the government, so I don't really want to burden my family with all the allowance they have to provide for me every month, I can use the money from the scholarship I got. But yeah, they still give me some every month. So, when I don't really generate money on my own, I basically have to refrain myself from overspending, Lavish way of life is not an option here.

I spent in on food. Good food, but quite pricey. Not that kind of food you will eat every week, but once a month is still okay (I'll be totally broke if that happens). I only receive enough money for a living, a fixed amount every month.

So, here is  the idea that I came up with. Aside from keeping track of your cash flow, I guess you can do this. At least it works for me. I have 3 bank accounts. I do not know why, it just happened that way. The moment I turned 18, my father changed the accounts' name, so now I totally have control over the money on every account. So, I keep one account with my father, and use the other two. By the time, I received my scholarship, I need to make a new account. So here is the summary of the account I have.

Bank A - Scholarship money / Living allowance
Bank B - Saving / Loan Account
Bank C - The spending account (by the end of the day, the amount is nearly zero)

My primary account is Bank A. This is where I get my fixed living allowance every month. Bank B is my saving account or loan account. I'll explain after this. And Bank C is my spending account where every time I want to buy something I'll use the money from this bank.

Okay, since every month I'll use my money from Bank A, every first week of the month, I'll withdraw the fixed amount I get for that month. This may not feel safe, withdrawing quite the sum of money (a month allowance people) at one time, but this is the trick. So let's say my allowance for a month is 1000. So, I 'll withdraw 1000, and for the rest of the month I'll use only the money I keep in my wallet. Even, when I happen to be short at the end of the month, I'll not withdraw again. Because the money is enough for me to live for a month, if I need more that's mean I already overspent. If I need to stuff on instant noodle and nasi bujang (rice with omelette), then I should.

During my internship, during raya or sometimes my parent give some cash every month, all the money that I received I'll deposit them in Bank B. Every year I'll have a fixed amount of money I set Bank B to have. In 2012, it is 1000. 2013, it is 1500. And this year, it is 2000 (it should increase every year, that's the point of saving). Getting a fixed amount ( like a cut point or something), I can keep track of my money and still save a lot. This is my saving account. So, sometimes during emergency I need extra money, I'll take it from this account. So let's say I need to use 500 ringgit. So the balance of the account is 1500. But I already set the amount to be 2000. So I need to find money to top it up again, so the balance will be 2000 again. It's like a credit account. The amount must be always what you set it to be.

Bank C is where I keep my money for the things I want to buy. The other day when my phone broke, I borrowed a friend's phone and used it for almost half a year. During that time, little by little, I cashed in some money into this account. Not a huge amount at once. I was saving up my money to buy the new phone (the HTC One I'm using right now). So every month, I'll cash in some money till it reaches the amount I need. So, I returned the phone and bought a new one. And then again, the balance of this account is almost zero. I still deposit some money at the moment for travelling purposes.

So, using these three bank accounts, I managed to save my money. But the thing is, you'll also need extra income. Income from part time job, allowance from parent, duit raya, duit whatsoever you receive, don't spend it all at one go. Plan your spending. As a student, this is what I do. I don't have that much luxury and I don't really want to burden my parent (I already received scholarship money), so all the things that I want or places I want to go, I need to come up with the incentives on my own.

So, that's how I save money.

Currently, saving some money to travel to either Indonesia, Japan or Australia. I also need a camera or a gopro. Either one. And don't mind my grammar. Too lazy to check it.

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