Keep Going, I Guess

2014, at least 3 quarters of it have passed us by, and I think this year is a bit weird.

This is no longer the year where I can wander aimlessly on the street while chilling out in the city or looking tired and casually going to class with bed hair, half open eyes and sleeping clothes just because I slept late that night. 2014 supposed to be the last year where I can enjoy my student life.

At this point, I've already set a goal in mind. I think I should. I'll be turning 23 soon. Why it is weird for me? Everything that was tearing apart suddenly coming back altogether at the same time. It didn't even let me feel remorse or grief or whatsoever, my life journey suddenly took a twist, and it was okay. Come on, how am I suppose to deal with that?

There were no longer heart-aching moment, rolling in bed regretting what had happened, and take a drive alone at night breathing some midnight air time. I was okay.

And I stayed the same.

The problem that I have right now is that I still dwell in the 'what ifs' instead of assuring myself to chase things further in the 'what wills'. A part of it is probably because I'm a damn realist. I don't hope that much. I don't have that kind of optimism or positive attitude like 'I can do it'. There is no 'I can do it'. My philosophy revolves around 'If I fail, then what?'. I live in worst-case scenario. Ever, I keep making plans, from A to Z, alternating between daydreaming and constructing contingency plans.

There is a realisation that I've come into that creating or living an ideal is not ideal at all, it's like living in perfection of which it contradicts the idea of reality itself. When I'm in state of 'okay', what can be worst? I am okay, therefore I am happy. When I seemed to truly understand that making a mistake or being cornered during a time in our life is perfectly normal for everyone, appreciating the state of mind of being okay is what I should probably do. Either way, deeply I knew that this doesn't display the contentment of being happy at all. Happiness leads to motivation.

Motivation leads to change. If I stayed the same, and proclaimed I was happy, I failed actually to understand or interpret the relative meaning of 'happy'. When living in worst case scenario, there is a thing that you will hear.

A whisper to the ears, "Good enough is good enough".

I, maybe, on the other hand, is a victim of stoicism.

Those who seemed solid on the outside, but actually vulnerable and fragile.

Good enough is not good enough.

Keep going, I guess but rather, this time I'll be my own hero.

I should do 'ihsaan' to myself.

"Doing great" is "good enough".

"Shake it off, shake it off" - Taylor Swift