A Retreat Into Nature

It is totally worth it to venture into the wilderness, exploring forest and trees and nature, breathing fresher air and glazing the sun while sunbathing on a rocky cold river.

Going back to nature is my favourite retreat.

I just came back from an overnight camping trip to a nearby waterfall (I guess you can just google Lata Medang). The trip wasn't that awesome entirely, but I kinda remember why is it worth to tire yourself for some kind of majestic view that the nature can offer, as well as the mysterious vibes it possessed.

The journey to Lata Medang took us about 2 hours. 2 hours of trekking, along hills, small alleys, steep slopes, orchards owned by local people (orang asli), and small stream of water. Luck wasn't on our side, the moment we were about to start the journey, heavy rain fell. I guess I couldn't say that rain was a sign of bad luck, rainfall is in fact a blessing from God. But it was pouring down heavily. We started walking. With heavy bag carried on our shoulders (guess how sore it is to bear a beg weighed about 10 kilos for two hours with uneven earth road surfaces). We were drenched and soaked the moment we took our first step into the jungle trail. I guess the track wasn't that bad since I didn't suffer any leg cramps. But with slippery road, heavy bag, and heavy rain, I couldn't say the journey was easy either.

For a brief moment, the jungle was covered in light mist which made the view was kinda breathtaking. Beautiful and mysterious at the same time. I stopped for a while, admiring what was in front of my eyes, but sadly my phone couldn't capture that same view. I savoured, by taking a deep breath.

We continued to walk, shivering, and taking a few 5 minutes breaks, and finally reached our camping site. We were totally soaked. All my clothes were wet, I had a leech bit on my right leg, and the view of the waterfall wasn't as expected due to strong current from the upstream, so the water was kinda cloudy and yellowish in colour (like teh tarik, or we called it 'keruh'). But for the sake of surviving the night, we rushed to set up the tents and hoping the upcoming night is not cold as what we've experienced from our previous outdoor trip. As I had no dry cloth to wear, I just wore one of my dry-fits (dry-fit clothes tend to dry faster) but still, I can feel the cold seeped into my bones and all my arm hairs were like erected (like the chill when you have a goosebump).

We had our dinner, and by 8, everything was covered in darkness.

Darkness that illuminates. It was after the final exam, and we obviously much needed a retreat.

The best thing for me are just plain cracker and good hot coffee. Sitting by the river, hearing crickets sound, sometimes a cool cozy wind blew in, the sound of flowing water, a glimpse of moonlight and stars through the big trees and leaves, surrounding by the sound of nature is a bliss and remedy to the mind and soul.

I want to feel it again, ever and madly.

p/s: I didn't know I still have some few draft posts saved in this blog. This post was written in 2014. Reread and rewritten 4 years later.

Save by Oneself

Dear past me,

Thank you for being emotional and to channel all those feelings in this blog.

There are lots of things that have been bothering me lately.

And for quite some period of time, my mind has been clouded with thoughts.

All the while, all posts in this blog have been reminding me again what kind of goal I once had in the past.

Thank you for saving me.

Love,
Your Present Self

Tumblr

Sorry, been spending more time on tumblr for the past few months.

seaofyellow.tumblr.com

Finding My First Job

I'm sorry. I was supposed to update this blog  a week ago. But then, I was quite busy. At the moment, I have several job interviews till the end of May.

Yeah, finding a job is quite stressful. Finding a decent one is very tough. Most employers didn't want a fresh graduate as they prefer someone with work experience for at least 3 years. Okay, the reason is probably most local companies didn't want to spend some money and time to train new people. I presume. Economy is bad you know.

So, while people aim at several companies, mostly the famous one, to find their first job, I've been digging jobstreet, linkedin, statutory bodies, engineering articles, to find a company which offers engineering services and consultancy.

Speaking of the subject at hand, I've already applied to about 100 different companies, both local and international, though I don't really have high hope for international bodies. Most of them didn't cover work visa, and they prefer those who have citizenship or permanent resident status (to the countries you are applying to). Thus, Malaysia and Singapore are my best choices.

I already have a draft for my Japan Trip the other day, I just need to review it a bit but I don't really have time. Or maybe I was just plain lazy. It will be posted here, sooner or later.

Sorry again !

By the way, those who have suggestion on the company list, could you drop a comment or two, it'll be helpful. If you can help forwarding my resume, I'll treat you to a coffee (smile).

Okay, that was kinda, like a, bribery, no, yes, maybe?

Adieu.

p/s: I have a degree in civil engineering majoring in geotechnical / structural

Return

Insyaallah, akan di update dalam masa terdekat

A freeman, but not

I suffered from several back pains, stiff shoulder, headaches and moments of desperation during the past five days.

Thesis submission is due on Monday.

As a part of fulfilment of my degree, thesis is a must. It's a big thing, it is bigger than my love of coffee. All of the sudden, thesis become so important after I finished my last paper for final exam as it determines whether I can graduate or not this semester. I've been in the education system for too long, a total of 16 years as of now and the desire to break free from the entanglement of pain and suffering of formal education has been built for so many years and today it erupts like a blazing volcano.

I've completed almost all of it, I just need to format it according to the specification of my university and to check for any plagiarism and finally, printing three copies of it. I've got to apologize for not keeping this blog updated in a frequent manner and the last time I wrote was in early January.

I haven't had enough sleep for five days, and I think if this is going to continue for another two days, I might pass out sooner or later. But Alhamdullillah, praise to the Almighty Lord, I was able to finish my thesis; at least for the main content. But it was such a relief; I sighed long enough but deeply inside, I feel contented.

Sweats and efforts for the past 6 months finally come to an end. I will become a freeman, but not.

Living is not that easy. I haven't think about it yet, what I want to do after this. I am someone who most of the time just going with flow. I actually lack motivation, and I don't really have any particular interest. Either I choose to continue doing Master, or simply find a full time job, or perhaps becoming a teacher, there is going to be lots of things waiting for me down the road.

In this world, there is no a freeman. There are slaves, who are given the opportunity to make choices.

We might think we are free; not bound to any obligation and responsibility; we are wrong.

I wish to write more, but I really need to get some sleep. Do pray for me :)

See you !

In Love, Ever Again

It's time to start anew. Each year, without missing, people will talk about new year resolution. As time goes by, some people just wouldn't want to talk about it again as making or deciding a new year resolution hasn't made any difference or change throughout their lives a year before. Or maybe the trend goes way back that people start to feel revulsion of the thought of having a resolution.

For me, it's not a bother at all. January may be the same for some people, but January also could make a difference. Having a resolution is not a crime, less a petty thing to have. You don't know what people have gone through a year before and what they wish for is perhaps another step forward, and January is all that they are betting for.

A step in January that could lead to other things. 

Each one of us, deep down, sincerely wish for good memory to happen but that's not the case for everyone. A friend of mine lost his beloved mother a few days ago. How heartbreaking he must has felt to have lost one of his dearest treasures when he is just about to get engaged, just starting a new job and it happened in January. I went to visit her mum in the hospital, and I felt like crying inside the ward. Of whom to comfort, I felt like I'm the one who was being comforted instead of him and the rest of his family. An acceptance to let our precious one to go and left us behind certainly requires courage beyond physical and emotional strength.

Ergo, I don't feel the need to mock people who decide to change in January. In a way, January is what they have left.

I decided to be in love, ever again. To be in love with myself and the people around me as well in what I'll do in the coming days. I wish to fulfil anything I desire for the goodness of  people whom I care a lot. To be a more loving one than what I used to be, in January I pray it'll begin.

In January, I met again a person. Adorable as she is but a dork at times. A person who can point out my weaknesses, but at the same time giving off such an affectionate vibe. Her words may hurt, but as I decided I will not be ever in denial any more, I accepted her words. And I wish she accepted mine. My wounded night heals over her smiles and goodnight wishes, and I couldn't ask for more.

Acceptance. More than ever, what I had hoped for.

Acceptance to oneself, to be decent and a little bit stronger.

To mend heart that is hard like a rock, and to mend soul which illuminates,

To grasp hand in need, and to return love that is given.

That's all I long for. 

Another Ending

Don't you think that a year feels like nothing? Or it is just me?

Yes, I'm writing again after so long though actually I have no idea what to talk about, but since new year is coming, I guess I should write something on this blog to commemorate the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

Reflection, theme which people constantly write about, cliché as it can be . However, people keep forgetting, like I am today, so I couldn't comment on that actually and I should just nod my head obediently. People need to be kept reminded, yeah, no?

A moment ago, I was working under the sun, with shades on, wearing my blue uniform, and all of a sudden, I entered my final year of study. Now I am busy with design project and so forth. In that slow passing of time, there were so many sequences of events that took place that I seemed to forget or went unnoticed, not because I deliberately forget them, but I think I was occupied with something else. I was busy.

2014 was a busy year for me. I think I did a lot of things this year. I was infatuated and frustrated at the beginning of the year. So to make up for that, you know, keeping your mind (and heart) off the topic and subject, being busy was one of the things. Honestly, it didn't work out that well.

Still, it was hectic. It was breathtaking. Being broken and heal and having swirling of emotions at times while holding a cup of tea and stare blankly into the dark sky almost every night. It has become a habit, or an unexpected hobby including leaning on the wall, sometimes.

2014, was like any other year. I had fun. Not to forget things that were bitter. That sensation of life is a proof to our very own existence even in pain. It signifies in a certain way, we are just humans.

Of all the philosophies, arts and poetries, that I have tried to escape into, the sole reason is not that I ran away, I went there to restore my own self to attach back bits and pieces which crumbled along the journey into whole ones again.

You know what is the best time to reflect and think, I never thought this actually work, and you can say that I found it in a funny way, the laundry shop ! That kind of laundry shop where you do it yourself. Yup, there was one moment I went there because I had no more clean clothes and I went there at midnight. There was no one else, I was alone. As I sat there waiting for my clothes to be done, I went to nearby 7e and bought a Pocky. I was eating, one by one, and suddenly it became heavy. I was in deep thought as I stared my clothes being washed, turning and swirling in a circular motion. It was weird, even so I felt calm. I felt contented with myself, with all circumstances and turning of events.

I know I have a lot to improve on, nonetheless, there are still lots of things to cherish,

And today, I am 23.

23.

That was quite lengthy of time to be living.

What I have now is also quite plenty compared to others.

I wish to stay grateful.

I wish to be a more loving one.

With all my heart.

With all my heart.

Rumah

Dalam. Ini sangat dalam.

Bond

After so long that I couldn't almost remember what affection feels like. I still wonder what kind of bond I share with people around me, with me being reserved most of the time I perhaps unconsciously treating them as an acquaintance only.

That indeed, it's difficult for me to speak of love and affection when the bonds I'm sharing with various people are mere ragged knot which is about to break.

Bond, as such, becomes quite complicated as time passes by. People change, you change. And you can't expect people to be the same when they've gone through living during all that period of time you are missing in their lives and not by their side. 

Many words to be said. Meanings to be shared. But sadly, at the moment, none of these happens.

When familiar becomes unfamiliar.

When bond breaks.

When love is unknown and affection loses its grace and dignify sense that connects between two souls.

There's no eye, ear and shoulder to turn to,

There's no home to return to,

How to feel needed again?

Running Against Time

I've been counting days and months and becoming aware of how little time I have actually till the day I supposedly to finish this seemingly long years of undergraduate studies.

Noted that I mentioned 'supposedly'.

I'm actually scared, no, 'scared' doesn't word it right. I'm horrified, terrified beyond measure.

IDP (Integrated Design Project) is totally a burden.

FYP (Final Year Project, Thesis), well is not like it doesn't progress at all, I couldn't get much help like everyone else, thus my work has stopped for a while. Getting an info for new things on market is not that easy too.

And how could people expect me to learn new software (by myself !) in two weeks time?

Excuse me, I don't think I've that much energy to express my dissatisfaction.

Excuse me.

5 cm

5 cm. An indonesian film. Go watch now ! Available on youtube.


Notable indonesian film:

• Laskar Pelangi
• Alangkah Lucunya Negeri Ini
• Ketika Cinta Bertasbih
• Ayat Ayat Cinta
• 99 Cahaya di Langit Eropa
• Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck
• 9 Summers 10 Autumns
• Negeri 5 Menara
• Hafalan Shalat Delisa

Pekerti

Teringat akan kata-kata Imam Hassan al-Banna,

"Mengapa bergaduh akan perkara yang sunat, sedangkan kesatuan itu wajib?"

Sempit sungguh akal sesetengah manusia.

Dalam kekalutan yang menutupi jalan perpaduan,

Pekerti, sayang, pekerti.

Adab budi yang menjadi legasi, kebanggaan bangsa dan generasi moyang kamu itu yang membezakan darjat.

Pekerti itu yang membuka jalan, membina jambatan, menerangi kegelapan kearah sesuatu yang lebih baik.

"The world is change by your example, not your opinion" - Paulo Coelho

P/s: I've been on tumblr for all these times, so whenever I try to write long post, I just couldn't. So, I start by writing short posts more often till I get the hang of it. Also, been trying to improve my grammar and vocab as well. I've been trying to find time to read all books in my shelf before going to buy plenty more during Big Bad Wolf this coming December.

Final semester. Bismillah.

Book

We seek to be understood, yet we never really made an effort to try to understand things which revolve around us.

Let alone, the heart of people.

In search for a companion,
to guide us,
to help us,
to follow us,
to walk alongside,
and to share,
good and bad,

We forget;

The heart of the people, is like a book,
We open it, but never read

Hati Kecil

Seketika cuma, ku tertanya,
Mengapa hati kecil ini,
Penuh bisa;

Namun, ia juga,
Penuh rasa?

The World Is Just Awesome

Sucker. Junkie. Whatever.

Boom - Dee - Ah - Daah, Boom - Dee - Ah - Daah,

Days

Tuesday is my kind of Monday.

Monday is my bed day. Bedridden, doze off.

And I agree, Wednesday is a good coffee day.

Untitled #22

Berlabuh lembut titisan air
Dari langit yang kelam, suram
Diselangi guruh yang menduga sukma

Dan saat itu aku rebah
Mehamparkan sekujur tubuh lebih dekat ke tanah
Menghela nafas, mengunjur jemari
Laksana buku lama yang ingin
Ku singkap kembali

Jujur,
Sudah terlalu lama
Tidak berbicara

Hilang kata
Hilang jiwa
Hilang cinta

Thank You, And Then A Bow

To start the story, I was rather stubborn, and I still am. Especially when it comes to feelings and thoughts. I am the kind of guy, you can say, a very reserved person. I open up to people, but in most cases, I usually keep emotional things to myself.

I don't really share about my problems to people, not even to my best friends, let alone my parent. I'd rather keep all my frustration, anger, and sadness deep inside my heart till all these unease feelings were no longer there, till they completely vanished and gone. Not even a word to the people around me. I couldn't bother them with my trouble at all, though I knew, deeply, that they were somehow worried, especially my parent.

After much incidents, my parent don't really ask me about how am I feeling any more. Of which, this is not normal at all. How can a relationship between a child and his parent resorts to this situation? I admit it, I seemed like a spoiled brat who doesn't respect my parent at all.

But somehow, they know that I'm going to be okay and they respect all my decisions in life. My father never say a word, just asking how my life is going now and then, and whether I need some money or not. My mum, like usual, occasionally asking me what am I doing through phone call. Yeah, I did share some of things with them, sometimes, or whenever I go somewhere, I'll inform them first.

It seemed that they trust me a lot, that I keep thinking, I can't disappoint them any further. I always keep things to myself, and because of the trust they have given me, I shall repay them with how well am I doing with my study, career, life and so forth. They know I don't like being bothered with questions, so at times, when we have a talk, even a small one, it will always be me who started it. Yeah, I have that kind of relationship with my parent, don't be surprised. It is one of my complex, and I've been trying to change that for years now, and since I've been through a lot these past two years, believe me, I am way better now.

Aside, not getting asked for anything, for me, is a blessing. As a parent, I knew really well, to some extent, you need to know what your child is doing, who their friend is, etc. If I had a child, I'd do that also. But to me, getting all sort of questions seems like I haven't been granted freedom on how to lead my own life.

Parent is a priority, family first. That's the path for you to go to heaven. Respect your parent. I am a family man, just that, I've this kind of inferiority complex that I don't really like to share my emotions with people. I fake a smile a lot. But as a child, I respect them very much. I cherish their opinions and advices, but when it comes to making decisions. I'd like make my own.

As I'm growing older, I realize that they are also growing old. My mum still works hard at school, and I can see clear wrinkle on my dad's forehead. They were always busy with something, and they will always be for the family.

Hence, as a son who always makes a mistake, and sinning towards my parent,

I hereby apologize and I feel terribly sorry.

For not being a good son.

For not being someone you can be proud of.

For calling home, not so often.

For being a lazy bump when I'm at home.

For always being naughty.

For keeping quiet.

It'll get better, one day.

I promise and I hope it's not too late.








Sincerely,
A spoiled brat.

A View On Marriage

Nope, not gonna discuss that.

End.