Another Ending

Don't you think that a year feels like nothing? Or it is just me?

Yes, I'm writing again after so long though actually I have no idea what to talk about, but since new year is coming, I guess I should write something on this blog to commemorate the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

Reflection, theme which people constantly write about, cliché as it can be . However, people keep forgetting, like I am today, so I couldn't comment on that actually and I should just nod my head obediently. People need to be kept reminded, yeah, no?

A moment ago, I was working under the sun, with shades on, wearing my blue uniform, and all of a sudden, I entered my final year of study. Now I am busy with design project and so forth. In that slow passing of time, there were so many sequences of events that took place that I seemed to forget or went unnoticed, not because I deliberately forget them, but I think I was occupied with something else. I was busy.

2014 was a busy year for me. I think I did a lot of things this year. I was infatuated and frustrated at the beginning of the year. So to make up for that, you know, keeping your mind (and heart) off the topic and subject, being busy was one of the things. Honestly, it didn't work out that well.

Still, it was hectic. It was breathtaking. Being broken and heal and having swirling of emotions at times while holding a cup of tea and stare blankly into the dark sky almost every night. It has become a habit, or an unexpected hobby including leaning on the wall, sometimes.

2014, was like any other year. I had fun. Not to forget things that were bitter. That sensation of life is a proof to our very own existence even in pain. It signifies in a certain way, we are just humans.

Of all the philosophies, arts and poetries, that I have tried to escape into, the sole reason is not that I ran away, I went there to restore my own self to attach back bits and pieces which crumbled along the journey into whole ones again.

You know what is the best time to reflect and think, I never thought this actually work, and you can say that I found it in a funny way, the laundry shop ! That kind of laundry shop where you do it yourself. Yup, there was one moment I went there because I had no more clean clothes and I went there at midnight. There was no one else, I was alone. As I sat there waiting for my clothes to be done, I went to nearby 7e and bought a Pocky. I was eating, one by one, and suddenly it became heavy. I was in deep thought as I stared my clothes being washed, turning and swirling in a circular motion. It was weird, even so I felt calm. I felt contented with myself, with all circumstances and turning of events.

I know I have a lot to improve on, nonetheless, there are still lots of things to cherish,

And today, I am 23.

23.

That was quite lengthy of time to be living.

What I have now is also quite plenty compared to others.

I wish to stay grateful.

I wish to be a more loving one.

With all my heart.

With all my heart.

Rumah

Dalam. Ini sangat dalam.

Bond

After so long that I couldn't almost remember what affection feels like. I still wonder what kind of bond I share with people around me, with me being reserved most of the time I perhaps unconsciously treating them as an acquaintance only.

That indeed, it's difficult for me to speak of love and affection when the bonds I'm sharing with various people are mere ragged knot which is about to break.

Bond, as such, becomes quite complicated as time passes by. People change, you change. And you can't expect people to be the same when they've gone through living during all that period of time you are missing in their lives and not by their side. 

Many words to be said. Meanings to be shared. But sadly, at the moment, none of these happens.

When familiar becomes unfamiliar.

When bond breaks.

When love is unknown and affection loses its grace and dignify sense that connects between two souls.

There's no eye, ear and shoulder to turn to,

There's no home to return to,

How to feel needed again?

Running Against Time

I've been counting days and months and becoming aware of how little time I have actually till the day I supposedly to finish this seemingly long years of undergraduate studies.

Noted that I mentioned 'supposedly'.

I'm actually scared, no, 'scared' doesn't word it right. I'm horrified, terrified beyond measure.

IDP (Integrated Design Project) is totally a burden.

FYP (Final Year Project, Thesis), well is not like it doesn't progress at all, I couldn't get much help like everyone else, thus my work has stopped for a while. Getting an info for new things on market is not that easy too.

And how could people expect me to learn new software (by myself !) in two weeks time?

Excuse me, I don't think I've that much energy to express my dissatisfaction.

Excuse me.

5 cm

5 cm. An indonesian film. Go watch now ! Available on youtube.


Notable indonesian film:

• Laskar Pelangi
• Alangkah Lucunya Negeri Ini
• Ketika Cinta Bertasbih
• Ayat Ayat Cinta
• 99 Cahaya di Langit Eropa
• Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck
• 9 Summers 10 Autumns
• Negeri 5 Menara
• Hafalan Shalat Delisa

Pekerti

Teringat akan kata-kata Imam Hassan al-Banna,

"Mengapa bergaduh akan perkara yang sunat, sedangkan kesatuan itu wajib?"

Sempit sungguh akal sesetengah manusia.

Dalam kekalutan yang menutupi jalan perpaduan,

Pekerti, sayang, pekerti.

Adab budi yang menjadi legasi, kebanggaan bangsa dan generasi moyang kamu itu yang membezakan darjat.

Pekerti itu yang membuka jalan, membina jambatan, menerangi kegelapan kearah sesuatu yang lebih baik.

"The world is change by your example, not your opinion" - Paulo Coelho

P/s: I've been on tumblr for all these times, so whenever I try to write long post, I just couldn't. So, I start by writing short posts more often till I get the hang of it. Also, been trying to improve my grammar and vocab as well. I've been trying to find time to read all books in my shelf before going to buy plenty more during Big Bad Wolf this coming December.

Final semester. Bismillah.

Book

We seek to be understood, yet we never really made an effort to try to understand things which revolve around us.

Let alone, the heart of people.

In search for a companion,
to guide us,
to help us,
to follow us,
to walk alongside,
and to share,
good and bad,

We forget;

The heart of the people, is like a book,
We open it, but never read

Hati Kecil

Seketika cuma, ku tertanya,
Mengapa hati kecil ini,
Penuh bisa;

Namun, ia juga,
Penuh rasa?

The World Is Just Awesome

Sucker. Junkie. Whatever.

Boom - Dee - Ah - Daah, Boom - Dee - Ah - Daah,

Days

Tuesday is my kind of Monday.

Monday is my bed day. Bedridden, doze off.

And I agree, Wednesday is a good coffee day.

Untitled #22

Berlabuh lembut titisan air
Dari langit yang kelam, suram
Diselangi guruh yang menduga sukma

Dan saat itu aku rebah
Mehamparkan sekujur tubuh lebih dekat ke tanah
Menghela nafas, mengunjur jemari
Laksana buku lama yang ingin
Ku singkap kembali

Jujur,
Sudah terlalu lama
Tidak berbicara

Hilang kata
Hilang jiwa
Hilang cinta

Thank You, And Then A Bow

To start the story, I was rather stubborn, and I still am. Especially when it comes to feelings and thoughts. I am the kind of guy, you can say, a very reserved person. I open up to people, but in most cases, I usually keep emotional things to myself.

I don't really share about my problems to people, not even to my best friends, let alone my parent. I'd rather keep all my frustration, anger, and sadness deep inside my heart till all these unease feelings were no longer there, till they completely vanished and gone. Not even a word to the people around me. I couldn't bother them with my trouble at all, though I knew, deeply, that they were somehow worried, especially my parent.

After much incidents, my parent don't really ask me about how am I feeling any more. Of which, this is not normal at all. How can a relationship between a child and his parent resorts to this situation? I admit it, I seemed like a spoiled brat who doesn't respect my parent at all.

But somehow, they know that I'm going to be okay and they respect all my decisions in life. My father never say a word, just asking how my life is going now and then, and whether I need some money or not. My mum, like usual, occasionally asking me what am I doing through phone call. Yeah, I did share some of things with them, sometimes, or whenever I go somewhere, I'll inform them first.

It seemed that they trust me a lot, that I keep thinking, I can't disappoint them any further. I always keep things to myself, and because of the trust they have given me, I shall repay them with how well am I doing with my study, career, life and so forth. They know I don't like being bothered with questions, so at times, when we have a talk, even a small one, it will always be me who started it. Yeah, I have that kind of relationship with my parent, don't be surprised. It is one of my complex, and I've been trying to change that for years now, and since I've been through a lot these past two years, believe me, I am way better now.

Aside, not getting asked for anything, for me, is a blessing. As a parent, I knew really well, to some extent, you need to know what your child is doing, who their friend is, etc. If I had a child, I'd do that also. But to me, getting all sort of questions seems like I haven't been granted freedom on how to lead my own life.

Parent is a priority, family first. That's the path for you to go to heaven. Respect your parent. I am a family man, just that, I've this kind of inferiority complex that I don't really like to share my emotions with people. I fake a smile a lot. But as a child, I respect them very much. I cherish their opinions and advices, but when it comes to making decisions. I'd like make my own.

As I'm growing older, I realize that they are also growing old. My mum still works hard at school, and I can see clear wrinkle on my dad's forehead. They were always busy with something, and they will always be for the family.

Hence, as a son who always makes a mistake, and sinning towards my parent,

I hereby apologize and I feel terribly sorry.

For not being a good son.

For not being someone you can be proud of.

For calling home, not so often.

For being a lazy bump when I'm at home.

For always being naughty.

For keeping quiet.

It'll get better, one day.

I promise and I hope it's not too late.








Sincerely,
A spoiled brat.

A View On Marriage

Nope, not gonna discuss that.

End.

Keep Going, I Guess

2014, at least 3 quarters of it have passed us by, and I think this year is a bit weird.

This is no longer the year where I can wander aimlessly on the street while chilling out in the city or looking tired and casually going to class with bed hair, half open eyes and sleeping clothes just because I slept late that night. 2014 supposed to be the last year where I can enjoy my student life.

At this point, I've already set a goal in mind. I think I should. I'll be turning 23 soon. Why it is weird for me? Everything that was tearing apart suddenly coming back altogether at the same time. It didn't even let me feel remorse or grief or whatsoever, my life journey suddenly took a twist, and it was okay. Come on, how am I suppose to deal with that?

There were no longer heart-aching moment, rolling in bed regretting what had happened, and take a drive alone at night breathing some midnight air time. I was okay.

And I stayed the same.

The problem that I have right now is that I still dwell in the 'what ifs' instead of assuring myself to chase things further in the 'what wills'. A part of it is probably because I'm a damn realist. I don't hope that much. I don't have that kind of optimism or positive attitude like 'I can do it'. There is no 'I can do it'. My philosophy revolves around 'If I fail, then what?'. I live in worst-case scenario. Ever, I keep making plans, from A to Z, alternating between daydreaming and constructing contingency plans.

There is a realisation that I've come into that creating or living an ideal is not ideal at all, it's like living in perfection of which it contradicts the idea of reality itself. When I'm in state of 'okay', what can be worst? I am okay, therefore I am happy. When I seemed to truly understand that making a mistake or being cornered during a time in our life is perfectly normal for everyone, appreciating the state of mind of being okay is what I should probably do. Either way, deeply I knew that this doesn't display the contentment of being happy at all. Happiness leads to motivation.

Motivation leads to change. If I stayed the same, and proclaimed I was happy, I failed actually to understand or interpret the relative meaning of 'happy'. When living in worst case scenario, there is a thing that you will hear.

A whisper to the ears, "Good enough is good enough".

I, maybe, on the other hand, is a victim of stoicism.

Those who seemed solid on the outside, but actually vulnerable and fragile.

Good enough is not good enough.

Keep going, I guess but rather, this time I'll be my own hero.

I should do 'ihsaan' to myself.

"Doing great" is "good enough".

"Shake it off, shake it off" - Taylor Swift

Vid: Hari Malaysia - Kembara

Tak boleh ke nak hidup aman damai tanpa racism dekat Malaysia ni?

Saya bercita-cita nak kawin chinese ni :)

How I Save Money ?

So, a friend asked me, "How do you save money?"

First of all, it's how I lead my life. I spent almost all of my allowance on food. Yes, food is my top priority. I rarely go shopping, I do not own any awesome gadgets, most of the time, I just use whatever I have.

I owned a laptop (Sony Vaio, has been using it for 4 years now), a phone (HTC One, after my old one broke, and I have extra money, hence I supposed buying a better phone is like an investment and I have no intent of buying or changing to a new one in three years time) and that's it. I wear my old clothes until they turn dull, or tear apart. I used to have an Onizuka Tiger (a pair of shoes, bought for 50 dollars in Toronto) and it lasted for about 3 years. The best one I've ever had since I used them to play futsal, going to class and even hiking. It ripped during my last hiking trip to Broga.

So, I don't really spend money on things I find useless, or I don't need it. Yeah, I also desire a camera (a compact SLR or DSLR), a Gopro, what else, pretty clothes like everyone else. But if I can still use my old one, why bother spending? Yeah, you can say that I'm a little stingy, cheapskate whatever, but the thing is I don't have an income (at this point).

I came from a normal family (neither rich nor poor, but we can afford a living I guess). I received a scholarship from the government, so I don't really want to burden my family with all the allowance they have to provide for me every month, I can use the money from the scholarship I got. But yeah, they still give me some every month. So, when I don't really generate money on my own, I basically have to refrain myself from overspending, Lavish way of life is not an option here.

I spent in on food. Good food, but quite pricey. Not that kind of food you will eat every week, but once a month is still okay (I'll be totally broke if that happens). I only receive enough money for a living, a fixed amount every month.

So, here is  the idea that I came up with. Aside from keeping track of your cash flow, I guess you can do this. At least it works for me. I have 3 bank accounts. I do not know why, it just happened that way. The moment I turned 18, my father changed the accounts' name, so now I totally have control over the money on every account. So, I keep one account with my father, and use the other two. By the time, I received my scholarship, I need to make a new account. So here is the summary of the account I have.

Bank A - Scholarship money / Living allowance
Bank B - Saving / Loan Account
Bank C - The spending account (by the end of the day, the amount is nearly zero)

My primary account is Bank A. This is where I get my fixed living allowance every month. Bank B is my saving account or loan account. I'll explain after this. And Bank C is my spending account where every time I want to buy something I'll use the money from this bank.

Okay, since every month I'll use my money from Bank A, every first week of the month, I'll withdraw the fixed amount I get for that month. This may not feel safe, withdrawing quite the sum of money (a month allowance people) at one time, but this is the trick. So let's say my allowance for a month is 1000. So, I 'll withdraw 1000, and for the rest of the month I'll use only the money I keep in my wallet. Even, when I happen to be short at the end of the month, I'll not withdraw again. Because the money is enough for me to live for a month, if I need more that's mean I already overspent. If I need to stuff on instant noodle and nasi bujang (rice with omelette), then I should.

During my internship, during raya or sometimes my parent give some cash every month, all the money that I received I'll deposit them in Bank B. Every year I'll have a fixed amount of money I set Bank B to have. In 2012, it is 1000. 2013, it is 1500. And this year, it is 2000 (it should increase every year, that's the point of saving). Getting a fixed amount ( like a cut point or something), I can keep track of my money and still save a lot. This is my saving account. So, sometimes during emergency I need extra money, I'll take it from this account. So let's say I need to use 500 ringgit. So the balance of the account is 1500. But I already set the amount to be 2000. So I need to find money to top it up again, so the balance will be 2000 again. It's like a credit account. The amount must be always what you set it to be.

Bank C is where I keep my money for the things I want to buy. The other day when my phone broke, I borrowed a friend's phone and used it for almost half a year. During that time, little by little, I cashed in some money into this account. Not a huge amount at once. I was saving up my money to buy the new phone (the HTC One I'm using right now). So every month, I'll cash in some money till it reaches the amount I need. So, I returned the phone and bought a new one. And then again, the balance of this account is almost zero. I still deposit some money at the moment for travelling purposes.

So, using these three bank accounts, I managed to save my money. But the thing is, you'll also need extra income. Income from part time job, allowance from parent, duit raya, duit whatsoever you receive, don't spend it all at one go. Plan your spending. As a student, this is what I do. I don't have that much luxury and I don't really want to burden my parent (I already received scholarship money), so all the things that I want or places I want to go, I need to come up with the incentives on my own.

So, that's how I save money.

Currently, saving some money to travel to either Indonesia, Japan or Australia. I also need a camera or a gopro. Either one. And don't mind my grammar. Too lazy to check it.

Song: Warisan

Pesan Sudirman bukan lah tidak mudah difahami. Ia begitu jelas dalan susuk rangkap dan bait-bait lirik dan melodi sebuah lagu bertajuk "Warisan"

Berjuang demi bangsa itu punya banyak cara.

Berjuang demi negara itu tidak semestinya ke medan peperangan

Anak muda harapan, pemuda pemudi pemikiran, penyambung warisan, pembela adat ketamadunan, kesemuanya ada medan tempur nya sendiri.

Ingin ku ungkapkan sekali lagi,

Aku

Bukanlah seorang perwira

Gagah menghunus senjata

Namun rela hati berjuang

Walau dengan cara sendiri

Demi cinta ini

Aku lah penyambung warisan

Selamat Hari Merdeka ke 57 !

Eye Opening Escapade: Part 2

Me: Back to reality

Dalton: So everything that happened in here (Mabul) is not real?

What Dalton said was true, it's just us being in state of denial. Everything is a reality, from the moment we were born, we live in the real world. There's no back to reality. We live in reality all along.

*****************************

Desmond, or Des is the diving instructor at ScubaJeff, the place we chose to stay during our trip in Mabul Island. We met him at ScubaJeff office in Semporna, while we were waiting for our boat. That day also was Des first day in Semporna and Mabul. So he gladly joined us for the first two days of our short vacation.

Des seemed like a simple guy, wearing a tank top and short for almost all the time of the day. He came from South Africa, and have been travelling since he finished high school. We talked and shared stories while chilling on the deck and stuffing our mouth with some snacks we bought at Semporna. He lead quite an interesting life, since he have been travelling to most of Asian countries. He has seen lots of things and based on his stories, we were quite fascinated and to some degree, respected him. We imagined getting a diving license as an instructor would be easy but that was not the case. Des told us that he need to learn physics, physiology, psychology and all other stuffs, and he need to take two tests, the written one and practical exam to get his license and he need to pass both. Underwent two months of training, and he said to us during that two months preparation, he also can fail without actually taking the real tests. While we thought he seemed to be a laid-back kind of guy, his stories told a different thing, he is a hardworking guy and willing to put his utmost effort for the thing he loves.

It struck me hard. People don't just get what they wanted most of the time. It doesn't come rolling the moment you want it. They strive for it. I know this seems cliche, but then hearing it personally from a person I know, this is not a drama that you watch on tv on weekly basis. Living and struggle are real.

****************************

Our last night in Mabul, we joined ScubaJeff staffs for some snacks and drinks, kinda like spending some quality time with the staffs. They actually were holding a welcome party for Des. That night, we had the chance to have some small chit chat with Dalton, the co-owner of ScubaJeff and it turned out that small chit chat lasted for a few hours.

We joined the staffs and Dalton was showing us some magic tricks. I assured you he was quick with his hands, and he was amazing. He had fooled a few of us, though we knew magic trick is an illusion or distraction to the eyes, but we had a good time with his tricks.

Then, we started asking questions. I predicted that his age was around 40 something. He was a civil engineer in Ireland, getting fed up with his boring life, he started travelling and to date, haven't really settled down yet. He plans to go South America for a couple of years, but at the moment he is occupied with works at ScubaJeff as manager, and he also owned a dive shop in Thailand.

Dalton has been to all over the world, except for South America. How cool is that, most of us were surprised and impressed. But then there was also the bad side of it, but Dalton told us, he had fun. Dalton hitch-hiked in Middle East for four months, from Egypt and ended up in Syria. He worked at a cyber cafe, as a bartender, as a DJ and also a part time magician. Well, he said he usually get his own way due to his connection with people, and by the way he talk, I assume he has the ability to convince people. Probably he also know how to scam people, but then let's just be positive. He used to live in the streets, stayed for months for free at a hotel owned by his friends, and get scammed by others till he fell completely broke.

There was plenty of stories he told us that night. And it made us think, are we going in the right direction? Dalton gave us some advices. Life is not all about going in the right direction and making the right decision all the time, it is about finding ourselves and what is our passion. You get lost, you fall down. All of that don't matter, because it happens to everyone.

"I just want to be happy".

"If I don't like something, f**k this and bye bye".

**************************

I took it as an example. He may not be a religious person, still single and hasn't settled down anywhere and never plan to do it in the meantime. But he has already experienced life more than all of us and has been through a lot, hence a respect to him.

If people ask me the same question we asked Dalton, probably I don't have any answer. Worst, I become confused than I already am. Honestly, I still don't know about what I really wanted to do, what my passion is, and am I doing this sincerely or out of consideration of playing safe in life.

We become sceptical of people. To survive, we need to have a degree or a diploma. We need to have a professional job, so we can lead a good life. Get married, have kids and all sort of things we can see a lot nowadays. Those who don't, they are bounded to fail. Died alone maybe. Truth be told, I couldn't be like Dalton. I have my own principle and belief.

Yet, I do admire him. I'm thinking of travelling. That's all in my head now. I haven't learn from people as much as I can. I already knew the essence of failure. I can see flaws in my own country, the people, the systems, the moral doctrine, and the culture. But learning is a continuous process till the day you die. And we can never finish learning. There's so much I haven't discover yet, there are places I haven't see with my own eyes and set foot onto. To think I desire those kind of things, sacrifice is certainly needed.

Well, I don't know. I'm still in the process of sorting out my thought.

Ever, I wish I'm happy. For now, I am. In near or distant future, let's pray I'm still happy with what I do.

And you too.

I like kids?

Next? Haha, not in three years time.

Adieu.

Eye Opening Escapade: Part 1

I went to Mabul Island, Sabah for 4 days and 3 nights the other day. And I thought, "I need to write this once I get back". Plus, it's been a while since I wrote something on this blog. Hence, this.

I'm passionate about travelling. Meeting people and seeing new places and worldly wonder can be an eye opening and a breathtaking experience. But for most of the time of my life, I spent it here in Malaysia. Living in Canada for almost a year back in 2010 was a golden opportunity, but because of certain cases and under difficult circumstances, heading back to home to Malaysia was a correct choice.

I never regret what was happening to me, just, I haven't had the chance to go travelling again, mostly due to funds and time constraints as well as I don't have a travel buddy. Yet, they also faced the same problem. But a year ago, just after Eid (in 2013), plane ticket to Sabah was so cheap. Without much thought, 8 of us (former highschool buddies) bought the tickets, impromptu planning a trip to Mabul, Sabah. Honestly I've never thought I could join the trip, as I was occupied with works as a final year student. All is well, the week we planned it, my schedule was free. I left everything behind, and went to Sabah.

There's nothing much to talk about the trip, initially I thought. I enjoyed a night in Tawau. Amazed by how the city I thought to be quite rural, turned out to be better than my own hometown in Bentong, Pahang. Tawau has decent things to offer to the people, the food was great and cheap, the people were amazingly friendly and nice and good looking too. As I was being sceptical at first, I was knocked down by the reality I saw in Tawau. I shouldn't ever judge.

I am a sucker for nature. I enjoy beaches and mountains and I love sunset. Getting to Semporna, about one hour and half drive from Tawau, I was excited. Semporna is a busy town, with just two lanes roadway, the town is filled with people especially at Semporna Jetty. You can see travellers, local people, fishermen, and some of uncomfortable sights you may as well encounter in other places; beggars and poor children. The wet market is crowded with people, but in a certain places and small alleys especially the one facing the sea, the scenery was magnificent enough for me to utter, "I don't mind living here". But then again, I was disappointed, the clear water of Semporna ocean was filled with garbage and wastes. If only people can salvage the beautiful sanctuary that were given to us, I'm pretty sure Semporna can be a great place that has a lot to offer. We need to be conservative; preserving the beauty we have in front of our very own eyes. Heading off to Mabul on the second day of our trip, relaxing on an island and chilling on the deck of our budget resort, were the only thing I had in mind that day.

Mabul is a small island, the distance is about one hour ride by boat from Semporna. The water was beautiful, reflecting a greenish and blueish colour under rays of sunlight, You can see turtles, small fishes swimming around and also a group of starfishes with variety of colours and species. The small budget resort we stayed in, was built like a house on water where you can see the clear green water through the gap or slit of the floor made of wood like any typical old-style malay houses.

The eye opening experience that I had gained there was not about the view that I saw and cherished. It was the people, their stories and the lives of them, be it the traveller or the local people. Mabul island was quite small, it took about 45 minutes to walk around the island, touring around the resort compound, along the beach and entering the local village. You can see that the local people (bajau laut and bajau suluk) were so friendly, kids playing around and some even walked around naked. They all had tanned skin colours with brown highlight on their hair as I was told that the colour of your hair will become like that if you are exposed to sea water everyday. The local people continuously smiled to us as we walked around the island, and the kids seemed to be genuinely happy, as if they owned the world and not have any worries, a trait that I myself seemed to envy when I was with them. The lives of people on the island was very simple. They have a primary school there, and people who choose to continue learning in high school, they need to go to Semporna, living a student life in a boarding school and stay in a dorm. Most of them became a fisherman, following the footsteps of their parents, and some even applied to be a diving instructor, a job which pays really well.

Back in our dorm where we stayed, we met Des and Dalton. Des came from South Africa, and have been travelling since he finished high school and now work as diving instructor. Dalton was the manager of resort, and he was our eye opener.

To be continued.

Of Ramadhan And FYP

Disclaimer: I won't be getting any sleep tonight - T..T

Assalamualaikum (Peace be upon you) !

We already reached a quarter of Ramadhan this year, and disappointedly I failed to sort out my life schedule during this holy month. For the first time, I feel the pressure of being a final year student. Not because the subjects are getting harder but the tedious and enormous mount of works I need to do - that includes research (filtering credited journals and papers), doing a summary of those journals so that I understand them better and won't have problems in relating them to my thesis and study according to my lecturers, writing drafts of which I usually stumbled upon writer's block (well writing a thesis is not the same as ranting in a blog but the state of being blur and cloudy and inanimate brain activities are merely the same), and also freaking out that I might give up on this final year project (FYP).

But then as much as there is a swirling of emotions between do and procrastinate, anxiety and fear couldn't contain my love of procrastination as if it has occurred to me to be a natural thing, like breathing. I sometimes, out of my cluelessness of what to type on the empty sheet of white space of word document, find myself regretting my choice for choosing geotechnical engineering as my major while being good and has a relatively good grade in structural engineering. I know some of you may not recognize this field of engineering, or never heard about it, let's just say, it's your choice when going to a fusion restaurant. In wide range of food, what kind of food you like or prefer - mexican, japanese, local malay food, chinese, etc - to word it metaphorically.

I realized the usual last minute effort and struggle weren't effective for long term research (about half a year). Preparation is needed and by far the most important factor in planning a project. It's hard reality that I seems to forget because being in a malaysian university, the junior and sophomore years are quite easy, well I didn't say about the exams being easy, the course structure and outline and the program outcome they expected us to learn are simple and basic - understanding and apply the knowledge of the subject. And the project for each engineering subject is submitted on papers, with research on google and wikipedia and copy paste and so forth, dismissing the culture of academia of cultivating proper research methodology.

And that being said, to sum it up, I am lazy student who wish things would just stay the same till I graduated. The exam based evaluation and the significance of getting good grade in exam - kind of a mind control mechanism for academic assessment - are still intact even at tertiary level. Not really obvious but it's obviously there. So, I'm practically ruined inside, but yeah, I have encountered this type of fear of rejection and failure many times before and I just need to work my lazy ass here. A diligent student !

And for Ramadhan, I fear I'm being the same. There's no change at all. Ramadhan is a catalyst for people to be drawn to goodness. If before we are Muslims, and now we become practising Muslims. If we overlook the fact that Allah has granted us every year 30 days of change and we couldn't even take advantage of it, we are really at loss.

May we desire change, and may our change remains.

Allahumma baligna Ramadhan.

Song: Photograph

Wait for me to come home :')

Song: I'm Still Here

Treasure Planet is one of my favourite movies :)

The Journey

I might be a little late, but The Journey was awesome.

This story was so simple, yet it brought tears to my eyes.(Okay, I takde lah nak nangis lebih-lebih, mata berkaca sahaja, okay. Laki mana boleh nangis. Ayat gedik sikit)

But it's true. When most of us are obsessed with modern lifestyle, we forget about our lifelong tradition and technology also plays a big part in us forgetting them. Though there are a few traditions I found a bit weird, bogus and superstitious, but most of them are filled with good values.

I ponder upon my own family ties. We are very close, and that's probably because the older generations still hold to those kind of malay customs. The story - the father-in-law requests that they are supposed to send the wedding invitation by hand. Meet up with people and give them the wedding card. If we compare to what we have now, maybe we are too busy cause we have other things to do - we'll probably end up using facebook or text message to do the invitation. We depend too much on electronic devices and social media.

While it has pros and cons, for once, I seem to favour my own custom and tradition. Moderate wedding celebration with close friends and family. It doesn't need to be big and fancy and all that, it just need to fill with people you are close with, the right kind of people

Watch The Journey, You'll know what I mean.

Lowering Expectation

There might be truth in it. Disappointment and expectation are inseparable.

Everything is firework when you have low expectation. I agree, but that doesn't include in my dictionary nor my philosophy of life. I have failed before, miserably. So I really understand, having a really high expectation can lead you to disappointment, especially when those around you also expect you to do good, instead of messing up things.

People's expectation creates pressure that seems to have no boundary. Thus, meeting those expectation is more important than satisfying your own needs. I felt that a lot when I was two, three years younger. Why I can't agree on having low expectation on task, jobs or works that you're doing, the main reason will be my ego perhaps. Yes, ego.

Or rather, I like to word it as self actualization. Self actualization provides sense of completion whenever I do things. And by completion, you finish the job with all of the efforts you put into it to achieve near perfection, or till you feel satisfy with what you did. I have a very high expectation of myself.

Because to a certain degree, I like to believe in my capability. Trust me, I'm surrounded by talented and respectful people that once in a while I feel suffocated and overwhelmed being near them. When I have a lot of friends like that, I start questioning myself why I can't be like them? I may not achieve big things yet, but at least I'd like take seriously of any tasks that I' entrusted with. When positive vibes are channelled from these capable and trustworthy people to those around them, why can't we?

I do things in the eleventh hour. I'm a last minuter. I do my works whenever I feel like doing it. A bit irony don't you think? But I perform my best whenever I'm in pressure or being cornered by time. Ideas pop up immediately and flowing like waterfall at the expenses of my night sleep. It is not a healthy way, nor recommended by me. But some people have their way of doing thing right? 

Whenever I talk about people's expectation, honestly I couldn't care less right now. I've been there. I used to hit rock bottom, and with the solid ground I fell onto back then, I start building my own foundation, my own way of doing things and I'm happy with my current self. I like what I'm doing right now and I did good too. I see myself capable of doing things, and I did failed once in a while, but I didn't feel that much of a grief when that happened. I see it as a part of living. But easier said than done, that life has its up and down, I said it because I've experienced it before. Not blatantly spurt it out like I'm a wise man, no.

To describe myself, I prefer to be called a realist optimist. I dream within my capabilities. and how do you measure capabilities? You've got to try. Till then you won't know. And by far, when capability is so mysterious why not regard yourself as a capable man?

All these waking up in the morning and sleep at night routines, you'll probably encounter lots of things. And that my friend, everyone else is the same, everyone is on the same boat. Quoting Pink,

"Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die, you gotta get up and try and try and try."

We don't dictate the end. God does.

Do justice to ourselves, have some faith in our own might but ignore of those judgy eyes around us.

Tell me, who doesn't fail? Who doesn't feel disappointed?

La tastaslimu ! (Don't give up).

99 Cahaya di Langit Eropa

Little Lights

All the million lights
All the little lights
Come from million of years
And shine in your sight
When moon fades through the night

I hear love out of cage
Utter by the mighty old sage
Dear distant one
You’ve thrown me a back
Pulse encircles
My heart beats become lyrical

Beauty

It’s helpless if people only seek beauty. But is it norm to be attracted to beautiful things? I found beauty in exquisite form, that the way the wind breezing in during hot day, or when water gushes out and pours directly onto your head that it clears away any thoughts, much or less that it gives that feel of serenity or tranquillity. Even for a moment, for me that is beauty.

Hey !

Salam.

Waddup ! It's been a while since I last updated this blog. This will be the last week for my internship with SP Setia. Exactly five days more.

Then, I will have my nap time back. Haha.

Right, my internship experience is not too shabby, interesting I'd say. There are lots of things you can learn being in a construction site. You mingle with people, especially those construction workers from Bangladesh and Indonesia mostly.

I guess I learn a lot about living a life. Quite hard to explain it to people, but I'll try but not right now. Maybe some other time, in case I still remember. Or do remind me.

Since this will be the last week, InsyaAllah this blog will be updated as frequently as possible whenever I have the time. I have plenty actually. Being a final year student, my timetable is quite open. Three days of classes and labs. Probably spend a little bit of my time doing research for FYP (Final Year Project).

What else? I'm doing great. Not sick, no heartache (although sometimes it just hit me unnoticed), my bank account still have enough for me not to stuff on instant noodles everyday, have a new people joining our family (my brother got married earlier this month), and yeah, you can see fats deposited on my stomach. That tells me to start jogging around the lake near my house once I finish my internship. 

Just a quick update. I'll write some more.

Good day :)

Pitch Perfect: Just The Way You Are

One of the best scenes in Pitch Perfect. Still my favourite. And the rip-off.

Second Internship

Currently doing my second internship for my undergraduate degree. So I think I will not be able to update this blog that frequently.

Sorry. But I'll try to think of something if I have the time.

Life is a bit messy now. And this will be my final year. Look forward to finishing my engineering degree soon.

Take care !

Blessings

"Often when we talk about blessings, we expect immediate visible outcomes that allow us to say "I am blessed." Maybe we have to consider blessings that will only come upon our subsequent generations. Our obedience to God will allow our children to be blessed. And that in itself is a blessing."

Got this from Edmond, a friend.

That's something new, even for me. I, among many others also think like that. We are bounded tightly to the physical world. Thus, we appreciate what is tangible and opaque.

Our views on blessing itself matter. It should be redefine, much to our expectation of consequences of our daily actions, especially when we expect good outcome or reward. Blessing comes in all forms - materials, happiness, joy, laughter, something that could bring smiles to our faces, that's what we think - but looking all back, why don't we think of our kids, or the future perhaps?

There is a chinese proverb that I still remember.

"One generation plants the trees under whose shade future generation rests."

One of the best blessing you can get is the reward of the hereafter that you do for someone else in this world. Donating to the poor and homeless, giving food to orphans, or something as simple as making dua for someone you love without them knowing. So do something for someone else without expecting anything.

For instance, you donate some money to a homeless man you encounter on the street. You might think that your money is decreasing. But our lives circle on the concept of giving and receiving. To give doesn't mean you will get poor and your value will decrease, it's the opposite. To give to other people is to give value to ourselves. It's the self-actualization that makes people happy and feel the blessings, either within ourselves or from our surrounding, but what descend upon us is from the Lord.

It's not about possession, it's about appreciation.

We lives of each other. That's the fitrah of being a human, we are taught to be humane, to care for other people. Who knows, the seed you planted in people, will bear fruit for the less fortunate, and spreading its shade to other people, and maybe to our and their kids as well.

Invest in charity, insyaAllah we will be blessed.

Aside from teaching us how to be honest and ikhlas, may the good grow in us.

I intend to write long, but I need to study. So, mata na.

p/s: I may as well consider writing as a blessing to myself. And currently having my final exam. Doakan !

Vid: The Assistor

Remind me of when I was doing Food For Homeless last ramadhan. And I'm eager to do it again. Well, just need to find the time between life schedule.

Imam At-Termizi and Ibn Majah reported that the prophet (S.A.W) said, " Oh you people, spread salam among you, serve the food, behave kindly with your blood relations, and offer prayer at night when others are asleep and you will enter paradise safely."

Yup, spread salam and food :)

Vid: The War of The Word

Courtesy of Fiqri "Piki" Ramli. I pleaded you, watch it till the end.

The Past, The Future And The In Between.

Greeting.

I just turned 22 a few days ago. And the so called new year has brought collective of memories flashing into my mind in a split second, and requires almost all of us (or maybe it is just me), to reflect upon what had happened in the past, what will then happen in near future, and what is going to happen now.

The fact I grow older each day made me realized that age is just a number. It doesn't carry that much important meaning behind those numbers, but what makes those days beyond meaningful actually struck me hard. How am I going to lead my life onward. With torn sail, continuously degraded motivation, broken compass and unyielding weather. Well, warm wishes and a birthday cake do make me smile.

While a couple years ago I battled against myself, confused between which path should I take, an internal struggle in searching for an identity. And last year, I found myself battled against my own principles. A contradiction, oh the irony. While I set myself loose, you can say that I won the battle but I lost the war.

I felt broken inside to think that I'm willing to break my own beliefs and principles, ergo I am convinced those things will help me go through any obstacles I may found in this short journey, something entailed to my smooth-and-sometimes-turbulent life.

The same theme of life, no matter how hard your tried, how much pain you bore, you'll find much of yourself encounter the same thing all over again, perhaps in different forms. The moment you enjoy rolling in light and clarity, darkness came without warning. As if you were watching a beautiful sunset, the orange sky with lilac hue set aglow, big tidal wave hit ashore and you swayed a little. But much to your chagrin, you found yourself standing and your feet were still buried in the soft white sand.

Those perky nights with light drizzle with how may times I leaned on my pillow and thought overflow till dawn yet never did once I cherish a sunrise. Wondering what will I do from now on seems to lead me in deep confusion when I'm already confused, like a maze in a maze. Mazeception ! How can a person be filled with life and then be empty? Where does it all go? Doesn't make sense don't you think?

One thing that makes me rest assured, no one knows what will happen in 10, 20, 30 years from now. The future belongs to you and you only. No one can take that privilege from you. With that, you can always start from scratch, turning over a new leaf every time you mess up, rationally if only you realize what you did wrong and take a step behind, or a u-turn, tie your shoe laces then start running again. It's just that simple. provided you stop being embarrassed of making a mistake - hey everyone did ! - and have courage.

Your will is Allah's will. But Allah's will is solely His. But when there's faith in God and His judgement, don't you think that is enough? How much misleading it can be? Firmly, none.

I went through a lot. As much as you are (readers, if I have one). I saw the same things and a different one. Plan ruined, contingency planning didn't cut. And I lose hope countless of times too. But here I am, still breathing and having an ounce of energy left to write this post.

Life, pretty much hard to interpret. Profound knowledge, you are going to learn anyway for everything is a lesson. That's how it is for everyone. No doubt.

And for new year resolution, it's all about honesty here. I have none. I can't think of one, yet I think I succeed completing 2013's. Or so. At this age also, everyone keep asking and pestering me about marriage. I'll be married by now if it were that easy. And to think that when your friends are getting married and they send you an invitation, it creates that much tension, the so called peer pressure. Personally, I do think about marriage a lot, but giving it a go, there are much things left I haven't done. So, putting marriage aside, I'd like to enjoy a slow train ride.

I want to make a lot of money this year. I'm jobless, still a student, so I really need to make a budget cut and spend wisely though I have a knack for wasting money for food. Great food especially. Thinking of travelling. That's why I need money. I want to see the world again, hoping that I've already gained quite enough of lens to see things through. And to end this post,

Happy New Year ! Have a great year ahead !

Though I'm three days late to wish that. Smile often people :)